Don't Panic

"All that we fall for ... Homes, places we've known ... All of us are done for"

It's scary how you get to that point in life where you think nothing will, nor could change ...

An insight of emptiness into what you think your future will be ...

By now, you all know I'm not the most optimistic person when it comes to an everyday outlook ...

But I can say with much conviction that change - whether seemingly minimal or life changing - can happen around any corner; no matter how unsuspecting of it you may be ...

The irony is when you are at your worst ... Most willing to hand it all over ... When you lose all hope and finally accept your lonely existence, that one variable will happen upon you ... and change everything ...

Sure, some could say that it shouldn't take another to change your outlook on life ... But, hey, if that's all you have to grasp on to to stay alive ... hold on tight, and think twice before letting go ...

I'm not a lucky girl ...

It's just been a long time coming ...

Head In My Hands

"I hate my melodies, they're all the same ... I'm losin' sight again, I'm losing days ... Here I will stand, with my head in my hands"

What do you see when you look at your reflection? ...

What I see, and what others see of me, differs greatly ...

And I can't help but think that if I saw in myself a fraction of what others see in me I might actually pry my arse from this fucking rock I seem to be stranded on, and keep moving forward ...

Preconception ... What a bitch ...

Everyone, at some point, in their own ignorance, has had a preconceived idea of something, or someone, only to have that idea proved quite the opposite ...

When you don't have much invested in something it is easy to base your understanding of it on assumption, as you will be indifferent as to the final outcome ... If you don't care about something, then you cannot be let down by it ...

It's a basic concept, yeah? ... Ahh, nothing is that black and white for me ...

What if you have a preconceived idea of yourself? ... What if that preconception is negative? ...

The easy option, of course, would be to let the track play on repeat ...

To challenge yourself, when you've already set yourself up for failure ...

When you bet against the odds, bet against what others believe, you yourself require some belief in winning ... No matter how minimal, something resounds within ... A possibility, at least ... A chance of winning ...

I suppose what comes into play at that point is how much is at stake ...

Nothing will be gained from not playing ...

Alot can be lost ...

And if you're someone with nothing to lose?

Playing safe isn't as risk free as you think ...

Read the fine print ...

Do I keep knocking things down to distract myself from what needs to be built?

Soon enough there will be nothing left to pull down ...

Always On This Line

"When you're always on this line, when you're always on this line ... You could've crossed a million times, but you're always on this line ... Oh, put your hands up, claim your crime ... 'Cause you never have the time .... You'll still get to work just fine ... When you're always on this line ... It might be a shame of me to treat you like that"

How can you appreciate life when you see it as a monotonous struggle ... Disappointment around each corner ... Like playing the pokies; you think when you finally win something it may have been worth it, where in actual fact you've put so much more at stake you haven't actually won at all ... It's a farce ... An idealised version of advancing; the screen is flashing "winner, winner" ... whereas in reality you've taken that many steps back you're still so far behind ...

Then when we do finally win it's not enough ... We want more ... When does fulfilled ever apply? ... Are we ever satisfied? ...

I crave so badly the 2 dimensional outlook ... The ability to do without question ... The ability to see, without depth ... To be able to accept without question ... But Pandora's Box has already been wrenched open ...

I feel angry ... I feel resentment ... I feel bitterness ...

I am fearful ... I am lost ... I cannot find my way ... Yet remain too proud to ask for directions ...

So what do I do? ... I make those closest to me suffer ...

I am suffering ... Too proud to to take responsibility for my own crimes ... Brought upon myself ... A never ending thirst that cannot be quenched ... Expectant of others to understand something I cannot explain ... Angry when they cannot see ... When they cannot understand ... How can they know what is untold?

I want to break down ... Reach out ... Tell my story ...

Voice my weaknesses ... Tell of my fears ... Claim responsibility ...

Expel denial and be woman enough to fall to pieces ...

Too be too proud to break down is not strength nor courage ... To not break down ... Too emotionally detach ... It is nothing but fear ... I am a coward ...

To face my fears, accept them ... To break down when my inner most feelings are confronting me in my reflection ... To sob in the arms of another in fear ... That is real courage ... That is true strength ...

My manufactured smokescreen is dissipating ... The fog of confusion is clearing ...

The impending confrontation I will inevitably face is near ...

The pretence of the strong person I put forward will be no more ...

Leaving me ...

And who am I?

Not even I know ...

Time will tell ...

Light at the End of the Tunnel

"And it feels like we're drownin' ... Sinkin' to the bottom ... Is there light at the end of this tunnel?"

Depression ... A word ... A word that holds alot of power ... A word that means alot, and at the same time has numerous meanings ... To some an emotion experienced when prompted by something which saddens them - to others a complicated, debilitating, life threatening illness ... Depression is open to interpretation ... What makes it more confusing is *depression* is a term used not only in Psychiatry, but also Economics, Geography, Meteorology and Surveying, to name some, the meaning differing to each category ... There is one constant that remains though ... The low ... The negative ...

I was around 14 years of age when our *group* learned one of our fellow group members was diagnosed with *Depression* ... I also clearly remember my confusion, and inability to empathise her dilemma ... If she was sad surely we could *cheer her up* ... What made her sad? ... Why is she sad? ... Still to this day people who aren't acquainted with depression, relating to the psychiatric illness, would respond quite the same ...

The fact the term coined, a word with multiple meanings, *depression*, makes matters even worse when trying to educate someone who is unfamiliar with what depression, as an illness, really is ...

Being diagnosed with depression was a scary day ... week ... month ... oh hell - the thought of it still scares me ... At one end of the spectrum it has so much stigma surrounding it - on the opposite end people are completely ignorant and antipathetic towards it ... That being said, from my diagnosis I found some comfort in knowing that mine wasn't an isolated incident ...

Depression swept over me like an untamed wave ... Life seemed more pointless everyday ... Motivation, gone ... My thirst for life in drought ... My passion ebbed away from me with nothing I could do to stop it ... My responsibilities became redundant ... My reason for living was plaguing me constantly ...

On the outside looking in people think it's as easy as just *cheer up* ... The majority of people never being able to understand what depression is, and the side effects as a result ... When you cease caring about whether you live or die of course your care factor for your career will be even further down the richter scale ... You could be judging someone who is late all the time, based on *how it looks* you think they are a rude disrespectful person who is undeserving of their job ... When in actual fact, upon looking through the looking glass, they might not feel deserving of their life, let alone their job ... A world where getting out of bed, and getting ready causes a mass of inner-conflict and internal war ... Constantly being told it's simple task that appears to require no thought, question nor reason to you ... To someone who is suffering from depression this task becomes an emotionally draining struggle ... An unwanted fight you have to try and win whilst being well aware the odds are stacked against your favour ... The self-hatred when reflecting on your inability and failure to perform the *simplest* of tasks ... Constant affirmation that you just aren't good enough ...

This being the segwae leading to my current employment situation ... What's become, for me, a very unhealthy situation ... The *Corporate* inability to empathise ... Their inability to step into my shoes ... is building into a storm of emotional turmoil ... They see only black and white ... Grey no longer exists ... Confidence knowing I tried best I believed I had improved alot ... Being told that it's not better, if anything worse, and I need to do better ... When you are doing your best; then to get told your best isn't good enough ... That's enough to leave anyone broken ... Being told, now on a near daily basis of my flaws and inadequacies ... Picking away at me ... Breaking me down slowly, but surely ... Still no acknowledgement at all to mention any of my efforts whatsoever ...

My already shoddy foundations now starting to crack and warp under the pressure ...

Tools required for fix : Unknown
Possible forecast : Unpredictable
ETR (Estimated Time of Restoration) : Unknown

Had I a tangible injury with an estimated time of recovery ... Ha! What fairytale did I get that from?! ... Start throwing some grey this way ...

I am me ...

I won't change who I am because someone else thinks I am not good enough ...

I won't be made to feel less of a person ... I am as worthy as the next ...

I am ever learning ... Evolving ... Slowly getting acquainted with all of me ... The sweet, and the sour ...

Familiarising myself with my so called *flaws* and *inadequacies* ...

Learning to work with myself, and not against, in achieving a goal ...

The reality is that not everything that is broken can be fixed ...

I must push on and keep walking ...

Accustomed to the weight on my shoulders ...

Eventually my path will become clear ...

And walk it, I will ...

Excess Baggage still in tow ...

Live Forever

"Maybe you're the same as me ... We see things they'll never see ... You and I are gonna live forever"

From the age of 13, all through my early teens, the rave scene was an important part of my life ... As lost as I was I found security, comfort, familiarity and enjoyment in the rave scene ... For my early teens it was the one enjoyable constant in my life ...

Last night I attended *Anthem 5 - doing it Free Love ’95 style* for the *early 90's warehouse children* ... It came about in facebook and I thought, why not take a step back in time ... Pensive on arrival, we were stamped, all my hesitations subsiding as soon as I opened the door ... The lasers, the bass, the atmosphere, the old school anthems, the people - It was like I did step back in time; my surroundings familiar and comforting like running into a cherished friend you haven't seen in a long time ... All too familiar the intoxicating feeling so fulfilling you look at the people around you, smiling at each other knowingly ... Of course with the sweet always comes the sour ...

Rebecca and I were best friends ... We were introduced to each other through friends, becoming really close when I was about 15, and remained inseparable until my 20s ... We were both broken, reckless, and self-destructive - we had an unspoken understanding of each other ... our recklessness and lack of self-regard contributing to our constant partying and excessive drug taking; never failing to push past our limits ... this was inevitably going to lead to our demise - we couldn't go on together like that forever ... regardless of whether we wanted to, or not, something had to give ... and it did ...

The dynamic changed ... Where we used to *come down* together as time went on she began isolating herself for long periods of time, her paranoia visibly was taking a hold of her, her behaviour becoming more and more erratic, her reasoning became irrational ... When you play a major part in each others lives you're in each others thoughts constantly ... Unfortunately, as her outlook became negative, so did her thoughts of me ...

I remember the last time I spoke to her ... I rang her after coming home to my Father being in panic stricken state of fear, sorrow and worry ... an after effect from a phone call ... the answering machine recording it all I listened on confused, hurt and angry ... her asking for me, me not being there to take her call, what she then, without reason, said to my Father about me ... I had never fought with her before ... My last words to her making clear to her I no longer wanted to speak to her ... The conviction must have been evident, I never heard from her again ...

I remember the last time I saw her ... Quite a few years later ... I was with Will driving to Warringah Mall ... she was in the passenger's seat of a commodore ute, she looked straight at me ... She was leaning out the window ... Exposing her left hand seemingly purposefully, an engagement ring reflecting the sunlight ...

I was at work when I found out ... Early 2007 ... Finding out about her last moments spent in a hotel room a week ago ... I had seen her 2 days prior, the same day her funeral was held ...

Last night on a few occasions smiling knowingly I'd look around expecting to see her face ...

A moment of enjoyment I was used to sharing with her ...

This morning I said my proper goodbye to Rebecca as the last song that played this morning played for us ...

Nothing is forever ...

A Beautiful Lie

"Everyone's looking at me, I'm running around in circles ... A quiet desperation's building higher, I've got to remember this is just a game ... It's a beautiful lie ... It's a perfect denial"

There is no check list of prerequisites when it comes to when, where and who I bare my soul to ... Most of the time I don't feel my behaviour nor actions need justification ... It is not my problem if someone thinks less of me as a result of their own perception; their ignorance ultimately leading to their loss, I am not here to prove myself to anyone ... My friends know I damaged goods ... Accepting of me ... Knowing how I tick, not needing to know why ... In return I oblige by not getting too deep ...

Segregation happens everywhere, subconsciously or not, I always form a kinship with the *misfits* ... As obvious as a tattoo on their arm, perhaps unnoticeable and misunderstood by most, sixth sense kicks in and I feel drawn to certain people ... maybe seeing a hint of their own void in their eyes, or hearing pain when they speak ... Without invitation you won't push another misfit into telling their story ... Just the knowing that there is a story is more than enough to relate to ...

Starting out to be a seemingly *normal* day at work turned into something much more meaningful ...

This afternoon, sitting at my workstation and up to and through my first break I bared my soul to someone ... Another misfit ... The painful memories that resurfaced a fair trade in for the relief of someone, this someone, seeing me as I really am ... Through the looking glass ...

I didn't feel I had to, nor that I should ...

But ... this person's perception of me does matter ... This is one of those rare occasions I do care ...

I wanted to bare my soul this time ... and I did ...

Baring their soul to me in return ...

Feeling relief when the puzzle was complete ...

Brought closer from showing the bigger picture ...

Magical Mystery Tour

"Roll up and that's an invitation, roll up for the mystery tour ... Roll up to make a reservation, roll up for the mystery tour ... The magical mystery tour is waiting to take you away ... waiting to take you away"

I sometimes can't help but wonder what other people are thinking when they seem to be participating in the same mundane tasks I am ... Taking a cab home ... Waiting in a restaurant for food ... Viewing life from a balcony ... Sitting in traffic ...

After seeing Dark Knight last night, my friend and I came back to my place to chill for a while before proceeding, as planned, to take her home ... Not long prior downing half of a painkiller she had most generously provided the weekend just past, but hadn't come around to devouring it ... until now, of course ...

After having driven with an expired license for almost two months my confidence in being invincible behind the wheel was increased 10-fold when I finally hauled my arse to the local RTA (Roads & Traffic Authority) ...

I'd sampled the same painkillers a couple of years earlier, acquiring them legitimately after a knee reconstruction, so there was no feeling of hesitance prior to, and after, it's consumption ...

After an hour passed since it's demise, and prior to stepping up to my agreement of dropping my friend home, I complained of the lack of effect it had on me ... Unimpressed with the anti-climax, deciding a few Jim Beam's would get the party started (or at least make it more interesting) I decided it a safer and more logical path to take my friend home first so as to continue my solo celebration upon safe return ...

The drive to her place takes around 30 minutes at that time ... Deciding to take the route where it's no street light road, bush either side, for 5 minutes ... I realised, when I switched my lights off when using trial and error in remembering the indicator function, that this little beauty had some kick ... So I floated us to her place in my Cloud 9 vehicle with dual exhausts with a smirk on my face ... Pulling up outside we said our goodbyes ... Existentially mapping my way home ...

With a lack of cars on the road I decided against the daunting Road to Mordor, and opted for the more appealing brighter, friendlier route home ...

Not long after departure it seemed I had befriended a red commodore ute ... Flying around corners, like Monkey and his oh-so loyal and sturdy cloud, this vehicle friend became my marker ... Like the Pied Piper he lead me home ... The glowing tail-lights my beacon of hope, my security blanket, my light at the end of the tunnel ... The hypnotic fix on those red lights my life buoy, keeping me afloat in this fussy, untamed cloud that I seemed to sink deeper and deeper within ...

After encountering, for the first time, another vehicle on my journey I grinned profusely ... Finding amusement in my total and utter enjoyment I was having whilst performing this mundane task ... Was the red commodore floating along Eastern Valley Way on Cloud 9 ? ... Or perhaps whistling in glee the Pied Piper's tune ? ... Or perhaps just cold, tired, wanting to get the fuck home ! ... Maybe he was late home from the lads place after a few beers and he was anticipating the wife's not-so-warm welcome home ... Maybe he was on his way to work as a graveyard shift worker ... Maybe he was a she that liked V8 utes ... Maybe she sneaks the keys from her husband's bedside table every night to drive the V8 ute because he'd never let her any other time ... Perhaps she had taken a trip and was Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, not Monkey Magic at all ...

Sure, from a *normal* outsider's perspective we were just two vehicles getting from A to B ... the driver of one just a little intoxicated ...

But hey, what is *normal* anyhow ? ...

If it involves seeing things in that one dimensional view ... then Please!

Hand me that straight-jacket *stat*! ...

And book me a one way ticket to that little place where the flowers grow ...

I'll be back in an hour ... or so ...

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

"Things that make you go hmmm ... things that make you go hmmm"

Time was only just on my side today making it to work with 5 minutes to spare …

Before “logging in” ADS, my manager, and I had to formalise my 2nd warning for lateness with a signature …

As the Corporate Giant always offer anything they can do to assist in my wellbeing, I took them up on their offer feeling the new rosters erratic shifts could be a factor to my lateness and perhaps part time or change of departments may assist me; considering I’ve never been late so often before even when I was in “worse” condition … ADS discussed it with the CCM … I was quickly declined … A prompt response too I must add … hmmm …

During this time it was made clear that my issue with The Chameleon was unwarranted. In spite of what I thought (or was told) there was no issue there at all; and The Chameleon’s treatment towards me is no different to how they would treat another (…man or woman) … hmmm …

Working with another team this week, so as to steer clear of sourpuss for as long as I can, I only saw my team mates for a few moments … I spoke with lfm who proceeded to tell me they’d discussed the sourpuss issue with a couple of people … then what I thought lfm had originally said to sourpuss that day apparently wasn’t said at all, although they thought it … hmmm …

The Way I Am

"I am whatever I say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am? ... All I can be is just me"

Who really knows you? ... How can you say you really know another?

You can be born and bred in a suburb being more familiar with it than some, but you still haven't gone down every street, lane or cul-de-sac ...

One of my workmate's, since my return from a break, had become fairly hostile towards me ... Being a passive aggressive she made her own assumptions, going to work everyday thinking there was an issue, when there was not ... At one point I approached her to see if she was ok, to learn a bit of her view, only to think we had reached an understanding about our misunderstanding ...

This passed, and most currently another week of stress at work had passed, leaving me emotionally drained and vacant ... After two days of defending myself against their accusations, their pointed finger directed at me, I crashed ... Functionality ebbed away, and I was somewhat catatonic from the aftermath, which took recovery time ...

In my workplace integrity is one of the values they regard with utmost importance ... My integrity was questioned at a recent formal warning for lateness ... My values were also questioned; including my lack of regard for the team and other team members etc.

On hearing this I started to bubble under the surface ... As I was receiving the 3rd degree for, according to them, not having these "values" feeling resurfaced, I had swept these feelings aside so as to not cause any further "upset" at work ... Knowing my workmate was more than guilty ... Like a sour grape, or poisonous flower ... Both differing alot from how they present themselves as opposed as to what they really are ...

The workmate, "sourpuss", stamps their feet to get their own way and always avoids confrontation by behaving in a passive aggressive manner ... some examples including the nuances towards their dislike in my social life (or perception of it), snide comments made quietly enough so to leave a person questioning whether it was said or not, addressing people in a condescending manner, making others feel small ... the list goes on ... Having my own burdens I became used to dealing with the sourpuss everyday, as had everyone else ... So began the ritual: walking on eggshells, no red flags, no flashing lights ...

One day a team meeting was held, myself being absent ... I learned that I had been brought up in this meeting ... This was discussed and put aside and work continued as normal, although I noticed one of my closer workmates, lfm, seemed bothered by something ... I was upset when I found out the issue was ignited by sourpuss' actions ... the barrage of slander against me from sourpuss in my absence was questioned by the noble lfm; only to then become the receiver of the "talking to" sourpuss was well known of, demeaning, belittling, conscending, downright fucking mean ... To behave like this towards me was one thing, but to bring someone else into the issue was completely unfair ... I'm angry and upset about the whole thing ... sourpuss is an awful person; now because of their issue with me sourpuss' issue has targeted lfm: an innocent party, completely undeserved ... The fact they're a genuinely kind person who is honourable, loyal and honest makes the urge to inflict pain even stronger ... I have avoided even attending work since but cannot avoid it any longer... Hoping my retaliation will happen in defence, not waged as an attack ...

To speak badly about me is low ... but to speak badly about someone I care about ...

Fuck walking on eggshells ...

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

"As I walk this land of broken dreams, I have visions of many things ... But happiness is just an illusion ... Filled with sadness and confusion"

Tears in melody ... Loss in lyric ... Longing in tune ... Sorrow in rhyme ... Regret in a harmony ...

A moment tattooed in history ... An emotion marked in stone ... A common bond ... Insight ... Reflection ... Confrontation ... Warmth ... Acceptance ... Expression ... Apathy ... Guilt ... Empathy ... Hope ... Grief ... Loss ... Belief ... Anger ... Shame ... Sorrow ...

Music an extension of me ...

My life in a playlist ...

*Most Played* ... insight to my emotions and experiences ...

*Recently Added* ... the unknown that awaits me ...

Monsters

"I couldn't get with the program, and I couldn't listen to them, it was like trying to think in reverse ... and I don't want to slide into apathy, and I don't want to die in captivity ... But these Monsters follow me around, hunting me down, try to wipe me out"

An event or incident may be perceived to be trivial ... How can someone make judgement on what is, and isn't, a trivial event, and the determine how it may effect someone? ... Every situation is perceived differently by each person ... Whether seen as negative, positive or indifferent lies in the eye of the beholder ...

How one reaches a *breaking point* can vary ... One incident ... A complete lack of events ... A repeat of unfortunate events ... A multitude of moments snowballing out of control until you're faced with a much larger issue ...

When it comes to the path I travel the journey is mountainous and rocky ... Although at times the path appears smoother, the road ahead seems clearer, and I don't find the need to approach with so much caution ... My defences ease a little ... The feeling of impending turmoil ebbs ...

This is when it all goes wrong ... Like a sudden movement in the shadows, a threat once thought to be rid of, unawares it pounces upon me without warning ... Defences down ... Vulnerable ... Weak ... Uncertainty, panic, fear, confusion and emptiness engulfs me ...

Like a tornado that strikes, effortlessly forcing everything into turmoil ... Approaching quickly with little time to prepare ... Moving through so fast the damage done unknown ... Then silence ... Isolation ... The *calm* after the storm ... Immeasurable destruction, the scattered debris, a constant reminder of it's haunting presence and power ...

Most unnerving the unpredictability ... Not knowing when the tornado will strike again ... No ability to stop it occurring again ... My only defence must be built from experience ... Becoming familiar with the signs ... Acknowledging that change in the wind ... Aware of higher risk areas; sheltering myself in safer surroundings ...

I can only cushion my landing ...

Not stop the fall completely ...

Three Small Words

"It took 6 whole hours, 5 long days, for all your lies to come undone ... and those 3 small words, were way too late ...."

Who's a Rock Star ?? ...

You are ...

See The Sun

"I see the sun risin' ... but all you do is see it fall"

Had it with the contrast, such a difference of view ...

Can you have it all through rose coloured shades? ...

I wouldn't say no ...

A flavour of experience ...

Life through unbiased eyes ...

Just one taste ...

Got You On My Radar

"You're the pilot, I'm the man ... calling all the shots, I'm the head of flight command"

After 3 hours of discussion here I am sitting in front of my computer at my work station in the Corporate Mirage where we have a voice, our opinion matters and are all treated equally …

The *discussion* today … no more than a perfectly rehearsed smoke screen …

With justice served and the outcome in my favour why do I not feel victorious? Why am I not doing victory laps screaming “In your face! In your face!” … Because I’m fucked off that it came about in the first place … Days spent in stress and loss of sleep trying to make sense of this bullshit … Put in a situation that I did not deserve to be in …

Apt in saying The Chameleon’s gleeful look was brought about prematurely … Wishing for a Kodak moment of his look of disappointment when he finds out he didn’t win this round … Not so I can bask in his malcontent gaining some sort of sick satisfaction from it … That’s his sadistic road to fulfilment … I’d like to think if he saw himself in this way he may actually stop to reflect on his own immaturity and stupidity … Ha! Who am I kidding? …

Also disappointed ADS would sink to playing the role of pawn to The Chameleon …

This, to me, is not a win … Simply the kharmic tide flowing the way it should …

The Power Of Equality

"a media cheat, you menace me, the people you said cause all the crime ... wake up motherfucker and smell the slime"

Everyone has their own way of doing something, or how they think it should be done ...

Like tasting a new food, you will either find it appealing, or not ... If you're a food critic? Then regardless of whether you find a certain food appealing you need to be able to rate it with an unbiased tongue ... How can you rate something when you have no idea on how this food should be at it's best or worst? ... This you learn from someone ... Therein lies the problem ... With no knowledge of what bars to set to achieve the rating ... Without the experience, nor comparisons, so as to have formed your personal opinion you piggy back someone else's, applying your teacher's opinion ... Under experienced to determine whether your teacher was ill equipped, or not ...

This leads me to the infamous climb of the *Corporate Ladder*, the selection process not unlike Big Brother, based more on appeal than skill ... Unfortunately for some pursuing a career in the corporate world experience, knowledge and skill base can become irrelevant, overridden by preference for someone that may *appear* suitable ... You can be an average looking person with an amazing voice, yet the majority will flock to see Britney lip sync ... Doing a makeover of your appearance does not change who you are; only how others perceive you ...

My workplace is what you'd call a *Corporate Giant* ... Structure, procedure, incentive, reward; all put into place to aid in the best *performance* of how the business operates on a day to day basis, attempting to regulate the chaos ... Of course not everything is black and white when dealing with so many different personalities ... When, who and why management enforce these rules upon an employee becomes personal. Overlooking one employee entirely, only to focus on and target another ... Unfair? Of course! ... Some people given a little *power* only to see a God in their reflection ... What a fucking cock-up!

There is a manager in my workplace, let's call them The Chameleon, who full-stop dislikes me ... An opinionated girl who doesn't hesitate to voice her opinion; outspoken when she feels she, or others are, being wronged; I'm his worst nightmare ... He'll choose to ignore the unethical practices of some but step over the line between enforcer and victimiser when it comes to others ... As observed by many, not just me, my name is at the top of his hit list ... The Chameleon has been lucky to have been given the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions in spite of them having tainted their own track record ... A hypocritical narcissist; continually changing the rules to suit him ... For the betterment of the company? He'll make it appear this way but Fuck No! Only for the betterment of himself ... The Chameleon is shady, when you're shady yourself you see others in the same shade ... The Chameleon used to be my manager ...

How they attained the position? Who knows. It's safe to say it wasn't based on his skill or ability ... To my relief, sick of the constant defence needed against his vendetta, our team is appointed a different manager, ADS ... Well liked, enthusiastic ... All the qualities they look for in a new Manager ... Who do they choose to mentor this person? The Chameleon! Who at this stage had created such a facade to the new Big Boss ... Dancing his way to pretence with smoke and lights ...

After being off with the flu I found it odd for ADS to phone me asking for my Doctors certificates to be faxed ... After discovering The Chameleon was picked for *acting* role whilst Big Boss was away, the reason prompting the fax request ADS asked of me came clear ... *Newman!* ... Admittedly I have had alot of leave, and been late quite alot; so much so I had received a 1st *formal warning* ... Abiding, ADS advised in July lateness (not including unforeseen circumstance) would not be tolerated and lead to a 2nd *formal warning* ... Late in the week, still at home sick, I received a forewarning from *someone* who, annoyed and frankly sick of being first witness to my victimisation, overheard The Chameleon give two different sets of resolution advice sought by two juniors regarding the same issue they were each experiencing - the defining factor to change the outcome being me ... The hunt was on ...

Pensive in my return to work, I slip back into routine, providing ADS with the certificates hoped to be non-existent ... On cue The Chameleon set into action *Plan B* ...

The arrival of *Plan B*'s blueprint in my inbox was almost laughable ... Sent to me in error the *discussion* yet to happen was sitting here in front of me in form of an attachment in MS Word format ... 3 occasions of lateness (even though excused previously by ADS due to unforeseen circumstance) being their *excuse* I mean reason for the need for the 2nd warning ... Sour with injustice, with fate's MS Word attachment in tow, I build my defence, researching the dates in question ...

Realisation I was recipient to the efforts The Chameleon set out, a flustered ADS approached me and asking me to keep it quiet ... *please do not forward it, delete it, do not bring it up* in the very *meeting* the email had predicted ... I oblige ... As *Plan B* faced this unexpected hiccup, like rats scurrying when interrupted during a feast, boy did they scurry ... Team meeting cancelled ... Do not get up ... *Do not pass go, Do not collect $200* ...

Anticipating my preordained *fate* ADS sends me to a *meeting* room ... The Chameleon opting out of being witness, sending his GF in his place ... To my surprise new incidences were pulled from the archives, as well as a separate incident altogether ... My argument in defence of the occasions of lateness being ADS had already excused me for them at the time said they would not regard them; a plus I had not been late since ... A minus in breaching my (not signed) *agreement* to notify them by phone call of illness and inability to attend, instead SMS-ing the evening prior, with no *evidence* (due my phone's minimal memory requiring continual clearance of folders) ... Back to square one ... The outcome dependant on Big Boss - based on feedback provided, or lack thereof ...

My request to get water and have a time-out refused, proceeded by water brought to me ... Knowingly, passing co-workers assume my predicament, all too familiar with the Corporate Punishment; a formula including a barrage of excerpts from their *policy*, the documented breach of this policy, the *personal* values recited (treat people with fairness and equality - Ha! ... but this is about me), the offer to hear (hear I said, not document nor consider) the other side of the story, then the shame of solitude in the *display* room ...

In quiet the mind can go through seemingly never-ending thoughts and recollection of memory ... My attempts to call ADS for further discussion rang out to voicemail ... Ignoring my instruction to "not leave the room", after specifics came to mind, I approached enemy lines seeking a private discussion with ADS ... Noticeable the look of glee from premature victory on The Chameleon's face ...

ADS and I have a our discussion ... Interrupted once, GF attempts to be *witness* declined ... I try to make sense of ADS' reason mentioning our personal discussions and his empathetic assurance to disregard certain incidents ... Not arguing complete innocence, grateful of his flexibilty to date, requesting only that Big Boss be brought to the attention that I had not been late since the dates that were *written off* ... Assuring this would be passed on ADS allows me to go for a cigarette with my return set for 17:05 ...

At 17:00 my phone rings ... It's ADS ... Am I late? ... No, he's coming down for a chat ...

I am "too angry" and am asked to go home ... ADS formally apologises for how I was forewarned of the *meeting*, referring to the conversation *someone* overheard between ADS and The Chameleon ... Asked who *someone* is, I decline ... Reason for my *meeting* changing, now only being with regards to my notification for lack of attendance made by SMS not phone call ... The rest of the day off to think, "the company will pay for it" ... Said *meeting* adjourned until the following day ...

And here, at home, I wait in thought ...

Anxiously anticipating *another day in the office* ...

Markers set, excavations commence ... The Chameleon eager in his quest for dirt, ironic he's covered in his own ...

The noise of scurrying giving me a damn headache!

Crash Into Me

"when you crash into me, I come into you"

Crash into me ...

Anytime ...

Little Sister

"Hey sister why you all alone?
I'm standing out your window
Hey little sister, can I come inside, dear?
Little sister can't you find another way
No more livin' life behind a shadow"

When you are so caught up in your own chaos of thought it is easy to miss things that are happening beyond your own walls ... Preoccupied in tidying my own mess ... Fearing I missed her cry for help ...

Total confusion ... lights ... noise ... clouding your ability to make sense of your surroundings ... strobes engulfing your rationality ... trying to separate your mayhem ... hard to differentiate between your own noise ... and the flashing lights that belong to another ...

Her lights were flashing ... My friend's ... SOS ... Like me her chosen method of coping being to take it all upon her shoulders until the load is so heavy she cannot carry it any longer ... she'll lock herself away until she thinks she's regained enough strength to continue, alone, carrying that heavy load ...

She sent me a text message ... I respond, respecting her terms of communication, not pushing the boundaries ... happy that she's turned to me ... relieved she finds solace in my words ...

When you regress sometimes just a mere beep from your mobile is enough to know you're still alive ... That small beep can go a long way ... Empathy ... Understanding ... Acknowledgment ... Gratitude ... Admiration ... Reinforcement ...

Seemingly knowing of her process I let her breathe ... I wait for her to break out of her cocoon ... Still I wait ...

Time is ticking and she still hides in the shadows ...

Should I have taken more action? ... Do I stay idle while she continues to breathe? ... Is this breath doing more harm than good? ... Have I waited too long and lost my place as her confidant? ...

I will continue to hold out my hand ... Let her know I am here ... Willing to share her load ...

Empathising ... Acknowledging ... Reinforcing ... Grateful ... Admiring ... of her ... for her ...

I am here ...

Quicksand

"I'm sinkin' in the quicksand of my thoughts, and I ain't got the power anymore ... Don't believe in yourself, don't deceive with belief ... Knowledge comes with deaths release"

Curiosity can affect different people in a variety of ways ... It's one of the many personality traits human beings are predisposed to ... It can lead some into self discovery ... On the opposite end of the spectrum leading some to insanity ...

If curiosity killed the cat then all I can say is *meow* ...

I have always been a curious person ... I don't know whether it's the problem solving type of thought process I have that makes curiosity a precursor ... Wanting to know the inner workings of something ... how it was put together ... the reason it was put together ... what was felt when putting it together ... Knowing that something functions not being enough ... Questioning why a certain process is adhered to ... When it comes time to apply myself, approach a situation, form an opinion, I hope for a deeper understanding of it ...

"A car full of people goes from A to B in 5 minutes" ... Tell this to me in a story and, not consciously, I ask for more detail so the picture I have envisaged in my mind becomes more detailed ... *What type of car?* ... *Where are they going?* ... *Where are they leaving?* ...

When I meet people I don't like to base much on assumption ... Why assume when you can ask and know? ... Perhaps my thirst of knowledge is what drives this *curiosity* ...

People take my curiosity differently; even more so if they don't know me ... Whereas some see it as blunt or nosy , others may see it as confident or enthusiastic ...

I have put alot of people under the "inquisition" ... Not intentionally, not out of spite nor jealousy ... I could be ordering food at McDonald's and have my curiosity sparked by a tattoo on the hand of the person serving ... a personal photo a taxi driver has displayed in his cab ... a requested song ... a spoken quote ...

I was lucky enough to play host to a couple of members from one of my favourite bands ... we sat around and talked for hours ... the conversation including how some of their upcoming release songs were laid out, their feelings on those songs ... discussing the different perspectives we had in how we all listened to music ... how we listened to their bands music ... fans ... performing ... It was fascinating and fulfilling getting a glance from their take on things ...

To gain insight into how something or someone *is* in return giving deeper meaning and allowing greater understanding ... A multitude of doors open to new experience and emotion ...

A different way of listening ... Seeing from an alternate view, in another light ... An emotion prompted by a scent ... Feeling something written, not just reading it ...

Yes, more ways of how to see can bring about confusion ... Like Yin & Yang co-exist ... Everything has balance to some degree, regardless of whether the scales teeter on the edge of one side's favour, or not ... The sweet never being as sweet without the sour ...

Uncovering meaning ... pursuit in finding answers ... understanding one's reason ...

The fulfillment ... The satisfaction ... The disappointment ... The deceit ...

The quicksand of my thoughts ...

Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay

"watching the tide roll away ... wasting time ... nothin's gonna change ... everything still remains the same"

When it comes to priorities, each to their own ...

Every person has their own idea on what they find important ... how they set their goals in life and why they believe the goals they have set must be achieved ... their perception of right and wrong, normal and abnormal ...

Personal achievements can be based on so many different things ...

Outside influence, past experience, learning from mistakes, self esteem, shame, pride, love, hate, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, ego, determination, passion, skill ... just to name a few, any of these elements can shape how one will approach in achieving their goal ...

The goal itself ... Hmmm ... There are so many different factors that could contribute to how someone measures their own success therefore setting out to achieve what they perceive as relative ...

*Success* ... *Successful* ... The majority of society base success on monetary value ... If you have made a fortune you are automatically branded as successful ... If you have built an "empire" ... climbed the Corporate ladder ... make the *social pages* regularly ... made *front page* news ...

The dictionary's first meaning of the word success ... "the favourable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavours"

So many of us push to achieve these riches ... We strive for success ... We desire it so badly; although we aren't entirely sure of what it is ... You see it all around you, everyday ... When society measure success in those terms of course you're inclined to put all your focus into achieving this *success* ... have a family (dog included) ... buy a car ... buy a house ... get a promotion ... buy a holiday house ... a boat ... a sports car ... ski trips in Aspen ... keeping up with the Jones' ... buying out the Jones' ... employing the Jones'! ...

When you have been exposed to so much of the dark side of life your view of the world changes ... you can't help but see things in a different perspective ...

Success no longer drives you towards the *white picket fence* ...

The flood gates are forced open ... as a result your values change ... your perception of what success really is ... what to truly value becomes clear ... the fire is set alight to pursue what you now want to achieve, no matter how "small" your goals appear to others ... the things you may have once considered to be of importance, that which held utmost significance in your life, now somewhat trivialised by this sequence of events ...

Like an endless string of dominoes ... the first piece in the puzzle falls ... the rest to assuredly follow ... one by one falling in an unstoppable sequence of beautiful mayhem ... they continue to fall ... gradually showing more and more ... moving closer ... ever revealing the bigger picture ...

From the first moment you looked upon the world in this new coloured light, you knew your outlook would be forever tinted in this hue ...

No longer the pressure to achieve goals that are meaningless and impassionate ...

No longer chasing a mirage of satisfaction ...

No longer climbing towards an illusion of what the majority consider important achievements ...

Now, not only do you have sight ...

You can finally see ...

Everyday is Exactly the Same

"I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound"

noise - noun, verb, noised, nois·ing –noun
1. sound, esp. of a loud, harsh, or confused kind: deafening noises.
2. a sound of any kind: to hear a noise at the door.
3. loud shouting, outcry, or clamor.
4. a nonharmonious or discordant group of sounds.
5. an electric disturbance in a communications system that interferes with or prevents reception of a signal or of information, as the buzz on a telephone or snow on a television screen.
6. Informal. extraneous, irrelevant, or meaningless facts, information, statistics, etc.: The noise in the report obscured its useful information.
7. Obsolete. rumor or gossip, esp. slander.
–verb (used with object)
8. to spread, as a report or rumor; disseminate (usually fol. by about or abroad): A new scandal is being noised about.
–verb (used without object)
9. to talk much or publicly.
10. to make a noise, outcry, or clamor.
—Idiom
11. make noises, Informal. to speak vaguely; hint: He is making noises to the press about running for public office.

Music is in my life ... Music is my life ... I couldn't live without it ...

Music is in my life everyday ... It has nursed me through sad times ... Empowered me through difficult times ... Fought beside me in moments of rage ... Warmed me when happy ... Enlightened me when confused ... Inspired me when unmotivated ... The louder, the better ...

I can remember when music first became an integral part of who I am ... The Beatles "red" album, cassette of course, is what began my passion ... It belonged to my father ... I would listen to it over and over on his stereo, knowing every word, every beat, every harmony ...

I can also remember why it became an integral part of who I am ... an escape ... an alternate reality ... a comfort ... music became my security blanket ...

A safe haven from my Mother's physical abuse; that is when she was there on those rare occasions before her leaving me without so much as a note ...

A safe haven from my Father's verbal abuse; that is when he was ever home and/or showing me some form of acknowledgment ...

A safe haven, a warm and familiar embrace of sound, when everything went quiet after my Grandmother died ...

Music rescues me when desperate for escape ...

Noise is still around me ... in every shape or form ...

The yelling, the fighting ... It's still happening, to this very day ... Volume control not an option ...

I shut my door ...

My music is on ...

Volume control now an option here ... I increase the decibels until the noise from outside is drowned and I am surrounded, again, by music ...

Happiness is a Warm Gun

"I need a fix 'cause I'm going down"

Upon completion of my assembly of my new chair I became aware of my smiling to myself familiarly ... Who would've thought that something, perhaps mundane to anyone else, could feel so satisfying ...

Everyone has that something that silences them, if only for a moment, filling them with a sense of satisfaction ...

Not drug induced satisfaction, nor sexual satisfaction ... Not chemical related, nor socially stimulated ... It's that warm *fuzzy* feeling you get when you've accomplished something ...

You may be scanning your brain for your most recognised achievements to date ... I'm not talking about those either ...

This feeling sparks a look in someones eyes; it's unmistakable ... Contentment, pride, tranquility, a moment of peace ... It could be some, one, none or all of these emotions ... whatever the feeling, it brings about the same warm reaction in all ...

My friend, Juliet ... she takes alot of pride in how her home looks ... she has made it a sanctuary ... she is constantly updating her sanctuary to accommodate for more beautiful *additions* to the household ... conscientiously planning where each thing goes ... putting all the pieces together, they fall into place knowingly, like that's where they belong ... When her plans come into fruition, the dust settles from her purposeful rearranging, and the outcome is exactly as she'd pictured, or even better, she gets that look ... Sure, the harmony may not be long term, but just for that moment it's there ...

megwanderer loves to shop ... she loves fashion ... she loves clothes, accessories, shoes, bags - you name it ... when megwanderer shops she will start the day with no clue of what she's looking for ... using her starting purchase and her base structure she'll continue to build on that idea ... The final outcome is always a stunning outfit, with every piece purposeful, from the buttons on the shoes to the length of the earrings ... each item so carefully thought out ... like decorating a room, you can use anything and just make do, or you can put thought into each item of furniture - colours, shapes - so as to create something unique and beautiful ... megwanderer always manages to achieve this ... and there it is, that feeling ...

Pansy loves all things *perfection* ... he is organised and likes his personal space to be kept to a certain high standard of cleanliness ... he maps out each area of *attack* before his determined barrage with all cleaning products a *blazing* ... just like chefs have different knives for each type of food, Pansy will not launch his attack until he is sure his artillery is stocked suitably; prepared for the environment he plans on conquering next ... and once victory is declared and he achieves that high level of cleanliness? ... satisfaction ...

Buetta working on, and completing, something for himself, outside of his *work* duties; remembering why he started working in that field in the first place ... John-Doe coming up with an idea that sparks motivation within him ... Mike who puts in the time to *celeb-spot* with the finished photo, to add to his collection, being the creme de la creme ... Javin applying change to an aspect in his life; proud to see himself follow it through ... AC's courage where if she is craving a change of surroundings she'll step into the unknown so as not to miss anything ... nascent piecing together a string of seemingly meaningless letters and numerals only to produce something that is useful and has functionality ...

Now, in no way am I saying these things are their sole source of satisfaction ...

These individual characteristics and continued behaviours are the *norm* for each person who lives it ... but rather than the monotony of an everyday routine leading to dissatisfaction, which happens more often than not ... this is one *everyday routine* that can be assured to leave you content everytime ...

And me? ... Give me a screwdriver and some ikea furniture anyday!

Now we have reached the end ...

So what is it i'm feeling? ... Pride, contentment, satisfaction? ...

I'd say a little of each :)

Scar Tissue

"with birds i'll share this lonely view ..."

No matter how hard you may try to forget your self-inflicted *misfortunes* there always seems to be a constant reminder staring you in the face everyday ...

Maybe you are starting to move on past a dark time in your life, but just around the corner there will be a man in a chicken suit with a sign around his neck, neon and flashing, written the words "Remember the time ..." ...

A person can be haunted by the past for what seems an eternity ... the memories can be prompted from something as subtle as a smell or sound ... a product in the supermarket ... or can be as intruding as speaking to someone you may have shared another side with ... a tattoo ... a scar ...

Running, hiding, an escape route ... all these become obvious options ... if you leave, you leave all that behind right? ... with this belief in mind you may be able to fool yourself in the short term, sure ... a quick fix to your little problem ...

Eventually, sooner or later, the truth will hit you like a bolt of lightening ... you learn your ghosts know no boundaries ... suburbs, cities, states ... oceans and mountains ... all you have worked to put between yourself and these memories now made redundant ... the false reality you have eluded to falls apart ...

Change of scenery *check* ... change of friends *check* ... your delivery of excess baggage *check* ... Oh, the vicious cycle of it all ...

You wallow in self pity and go so far down, the only way left to go is up ...

When you finally stop running you start to take a look around ... you force yourself to accept your surroundings ... whether you're comfortable with them or not you know that you have to learn to adapt ...

Co-existing with your ghosts ... learning to accept your indiscretions so as to grow past your *regret* ...

And here you are ... at the foot of the mountain ...

Forced back to basics ... your skills are infant ... past attempts highlight the fact your inner *database* of survival skills is in need of a major update ...

The inevitable journey to cross this mountain of pain is daunting ... accepting this *fate* you take the first step ... there are no shortcuts ... no turning back ... no 1-ups ... no *get out of jail free* cards ...

A journey like this can take a lifetime ... but the glimmer of hope resides in knowing that you can only go one way ... you will only go one way ...

No matter how small your steps ... no matter how many breaks you take ...

You push ahead ... move forward ... walk on ...

Mostly scared and unsure of what lies in front of you ...

Somewhat empowered in knowing you have to *just keep walking* ...

Sit and Drink Pennyroyal Tea

"So I can sigh eternally ... I'm so tired I can't sleep"

In Bangkok the traffic they experience is known as *organised chaos* ... Vehicles and pedestrians seemingly coming from more corners than should be possible ... Forced to proceed with adrenalin pumping through your body at an obscene rate ... The intoxicating fumes coupled with the never ending suffocation of your surroundings makes you feel ill ... You struggle with your senses heightened and your foundations shaken as you plunge into this unfamiliar territory all the while straining to keep your wits about you as you fight to keep your head above water ... In an attempt to remain focused on where you should be going, and what you need to do to get there, your hierarchy of "everyday" priorities ends up in ruins ... the foundations, which once held together your *routine* and your *structure* of thought, shaken with such force of confusion that you are left with nothing but rubble ... only, if anything, a vague feeling that you will find your destination ... no more, no less, confused about the route you need to take ...

The ever present traffic ... the organised chaos ... my thoughts ... my priorities ... my feelings ... my emotions ... will move through my mind until the expectant storm hits ...

Then gridlock ... jammed like an incomplete Rubik's Cube tossed aside ... stacked in a state of disorder like Tetris blocks that don't fall into place ... the organised chaos now simply *chaos* ...

In time the storm will pass ...

The traffic will ease ...

I will be left to tidy the mess ...

Clean the debris ...

And pick up the pieces ...

again.

Down or Down

"Go and help yourself today. I think you're so damn insecure, you're either down or down..."

Manufactured highs come in any form these days. In the form of food, shopping, drugs (prescribed or otherwise) ...

Feeling down? Have a Prozac ... Feeling anxious? Have a Xanax ... Feeling tense? Have a Valium ... Can't sleep? Have a Mogadon ...

Since the age of 12 manufactured highs have been detrimental to the most basic functionality of my everyday life ... The solution in pill form? Does it exist? ... Sure, why not ... But upon receipt of your prescribed "band-aid" they fail to read the disclaimer *this product works best when combined with learning life skills* ... who wouldn't go for a quick fix? When you are depressed you can't even leave your couch ... If popping a green pill everyday means you can make it work you'll take that little green pill no questions asked ... This gives you the false sense that you can now function as per "normal" ... but when you are faced with a crisis, put under pressure, or put in a situation that requires a little more than "auto-pilot" the weight on your shoulders becomes twice as heavy and the significance of the burden is magnified to a degree in which the ability to face it evolves into a daunting task of epic proportions ...

That being said the little green pill, that band-aid that you put your trust in to hold you together gradually peels away more and more each day only to expose the fresh wound that lies beneath ...

When the wound heels, and if it does? ... It's like a puzzle i'm trying to finish by working around having so many pieces missing ...

But for now ...

I know I put those band-aids somewhere ...

Underneath the Autumn Shade

"I don't need no more reminding of the day ..."

Last night I saw The Vines perform their Triple J gig at the Manning Bar ... I have been lucky enough to see them twice in the last month, winning tickets to 2 invite only events ...

With great anticipation of The Vines performing AC and I sat outside being sociable ... drinking, smoking, chatting ... After Dukes of Windsor finish their set Mike & mate join us for some facebook worthy photos and pre-Vines banter ... we were seated at a table that, apart from us, included some boppers and two randoms ...

The topic of religion was brought about due to The Pope being in town and my irritation towards having to take an alternate route by taxi due to this, and as a result my having to incur a higher fee ... of course our conversation evolved into a debate ... apparently my views of religion came across as intolerance; which I found surprising as I thought myself to be more open minded than the average ... I am resentful towards religion as I feel some take advantage of people who feel lacking in their lives and offer them false hope which inevitably results in them fattening their pockets ... I am resentful of people that appear strict in their beliefs, and spout and preach accordingly, but then themselves abide by the rules that suit them, yet ignoring others. What hypocrisy ... I am resentful towards the closed minded ignorant black and white rules that are unrealistic - judging others on their sexual preference, their way of life - if God exists he would love all of his followers equally; any sexual preference, someone who tried to commit suicide, someone who had an abortion ... these elements are irrelevant! If you have a kind heart, you have a kind heart ... I am resentful towards the lack of choice some have when it comes to Religion. Certain ideals and rules are thrust upon you at an impressionable age and you are expected to continue these ideals. When you have only been exposed to certain ways of life and ideals you aren't given the opportunity to make up your own mind. What happened to choice? ... but from the other perspective if you are lost then able to find something that strengthens you, and gives your life meaning that's a great thing ... nothing is black and white ... religion is so many shades of grey ...

When my opposing debater went to get a drink I was discussing with his friend how much he seemed to enjoy it ... level of intellect was brought up and the levels of IQ ... IQ is measured on one's ability and capability to learn ... mine being in the top 2% of the world ... this left me somewhat speechless ...

I have always been told that I am capable of achieving anything ... implementing these skills when my life is lacking certain elements is not unlike being dealt a winning hand and not knowing what to do with it ... I know I cannot find happiness within nor sense of self based on material success ... You can be great at something - whether you love it is another thing altogether ...

Yes, I have potential ... Whether I am wasting it is subject to opinion ... In my opinion I am ever learning and evolving in my search. I won't put my all into something that is to me meaningless no matter what the material outcome maybe ...

This could be a burden or a gift ...

So many shades of grey ...

Get Free

"I wanna get free and ride into the night"

I am so enraged I want to tear my hair out!!

If I had known what I do now when I was 12 I would have emancipated myself at 11.

I moved back here during my soul search so to afford said soul search (you'd be surprised how much they cost - no refunds or exchanges after purchase).

People think I'm harsh to my parents ... anyone would think it ... when you're on the outside looking in things may appear somewhat *different* than relative.

If a 20th of the attention I get from them now went into a fraction of my childhood then this blog wouldn't exist ...

pigs would fly ...

beer would gush from the taps ...

money would fall from the sky ...

the term would be *shell's front yard* Rock City ...

And:

We'd all just get along ...

Fark

"but don't look back in anger ... I hope it's not too late"

Fark ...

I have just been informed of an incident in Queensland that would have effected my workload 100 fold today ...

I have taken alot of leave ...

I was literally 3 minutes from arriving at work ... driving along Epping Road it hit me like a tonne of bricks ...

I didn't complete my drive to say the least ... I must say I feel bad ... it would've been hell in there today ...

Time

"is on my side ... yes it is"

Or so I thought ...

Yes, it's after 5am ... Alas, here I am sitting in front of the computer writing my blog ...

I can hear the daily grind ... it's imminence is leaking through my curtains ... the birds are singing it's anthem ... the cars are purring with enthusiasm ... the pipes in the building are vibrating in anticipation ...

Is this it? Is this life? Peak hour traffic ... taking your place ... falling into line ... soldiering on with your fellow ants ... Yes Sir, No Sir, 3 bags full Sir!

People say I'm a dreamer ... perhaps ... although no imagination is required when you find how easy it is to yearn for more ... because what we do and why we do it is nothing but monotonous torture ...

Yes, there are the lucky few that find something they love doing, and happen to be good at it ... If only ...

I hate being in the Matrix ... sure, ignorance is bliss ... but my ignorance subsided too many moons ago ... Reality's ugly head has always been thrust upon me ... and I can't help but think *what if this is it?* *what if there is no deeper meaning to existence* ?

If you've spent your whole life in blinkers then what lies beyond those blinkers has no relevance because your whole world, what you've known of it - and what you will most likely ever know of it, resides within those walls.

If you've spent your life seeing, hearing, feeling, losing, breaking ... there's no turning back from that. There's no putting on your blinkers and trotting off into the sunset.

I should be fast asleep ... Rejuvenating my mind and body so I can start my 12noon workday feeling good ...

My boss and I had another sit down today ... after being warned already for my persistent lateness I still managed to be late five times since ... I see this as an improvement ... 5 times in a month as opposed to 5 times a week - what a feat! But unfortunately that point of view is not reciprocated by Corporate Management ... thus leading me, inevitably, to an onset of insomnia ... Stress does not = a good night's sleep ...

I am not just late for work ... I am late to everything ... to the exclusive Vines gig that myself and a handful of others won tickets for ... for Elton John ... for weddings ... birthdays ... housewarmings ... Christmas lunch ... You name it, I attended late ... I have never made it to my own parties on time ... ever.

I really thought my efforts would be noticed - but it was my lack thereof that was questioned.

Boss asks me "If you owned a company would you prefer to keep in your staff the high performer who is tardy, or the average performer who was consistent with their punctuality" ... Answering quickly I picked the high performer ... This is in no way a comparison of skills (for fucks sake I help people who can't switch on their TVs) but if you think long and hard all the biggest talents have traits (some would prefer the use of the word *flaws*) that don't fall into the "right" way of doing things ... "What a wasted talent" ... "All that potential" ... if I had a dollar for each time someone has scoffed that at me i'd be fuckin' rich and wouldn't be working for the man!

Ah, the vicious cycle that is life ...

The wheel that keeps on turning ...

No wonder I keep on driving over nails, speeding towards speed humps, slowing over the tracks, running red lights and stopping on green ...

If the wheel doesn't stop turning every now and then, how would one even know they're alive?

LOST: Events of an evening ... Please Return If Found

"Got an illusion ... I wanted to say there's somethin' wrong here"

With a week as epic as the last the bar was set high for the follow up week ...

So in true trashbag style I managed to surpass last week so much so that recollection, to say the very least, is hazy ... that being said my accounts from that fateful evening are based mostly on heresay ...

This fateful night will be imminently titled *Tequila Sunrise*

Every story should start with a lead up to events ... here goes ...

July 9th ... The Fash are performing tonight - their last night of residency at the Annandale ... I am running late as I had to work ... the last 2 gigs they went on at 10.40pm so I had plenty of time ... although I double check *just in case* only to find out I had half an hour less than expected ...

megwanderer had arrived and I still wasn't dressed ... no time for a cab ... parking impossible ... megwanderer a *safe* driver ... DUI imminent ... I flew there so much so we had time to spare ... and prearrangement for someone to drive the car back (after persistent begging) ...

We arrive, with friends waiting inside and out ... we make it in time with the choice of ... cigarette ... beers ... meet and greets ... we go for option B grab some beers and work our way to *our spot* ... front right. Tonight is packed out.

The Fash come on at 10.15ish ... as usual they perform an unforgettably brilliant live show ... Justin & always a gentleman Rod make us feel welcome during their performance ... the forever welcoming Hobbzee rocks out on drums ... many thanks to Thom - who did what he does best ... it couldn't get any better :) ... Might I add *exotica* *force of habit* *down or down* blow me away!

After the show ... tipsy *check* ... we drink some more then go B/S ... we drink *Lovell's* ... we say hi ... the dynamic was a little different ...

Outside *the trio* are, drunkenly, deciding on our next destination ... an unmarked vehicle pulls up inviting us to Paradise City ... unsure of the sincerity of our invitation we decline and opt for maccas ... then *nice couple* get a phone call from said vehicle's passengers with another invitation ... we accept and jump in a cab; bubbling with anticipation & excitement as we near our destination, and honoured hosts ...

We arrive at Paradise City and see many familiar faces ... the vibe was awesome ...

Our host was very accommodating and shouted us tequila shots ... The term *keep 'em coming* would be apt to say the least ... as the tequila flowed from what seemed a never ending supply.

So from about my 3rd shot my night ends with a *fill in the blanks*

*This is now heresay of the events* I was toasted ... lying on the pool tables ... being extra *friendly* to our hosts, being *extra extra* friendly to my friend's lap ... last time I was seen was lying/passed out in the stairwell with someone equally as gone *end of heresay*

*Enter 'reality' stage left* ... I wake up uncomfortable, cold, naked, sore, and alone ... my surroundings being a trashed room ... Where the fuck am I? ... Eventually, after expressing pure disgust of the filth I was surrounded by, I realise i'm home ... My room is trashed ... My memories NIL ... I am bruised, battered, have a black eye, a roaring hangover, and had no cigarettes within reach ... I go to grab my mobile ... my bag is missing ... Shit, i'm fretting, i've lost everything!! ... I call John-Doe to tell him of my misfortune ... He tells me that Spectrum have called him, my bag was handed in with nothing missing "everything is there, her wallet, mobile and her *makeup bag*" ... Lucky is all I can say (knowing damn well I didn't take out any make-up) ... I call them and was told the same ... I start cleaning up ... the cupboard/bedhead is kicked over ... my jeans are torn by something that they were caught on - I have a wound to match ...

So this is my total recollection of my *big night out* ...

I message around to find out anything that would help me piece the mystery together ... this is everything:

Two thirds of the trio left at 2.30am
Jax last saw me on the stairwell when he left not long after them
I had no money to get home so that isn't clear
I had no keys - I was let in when it "was still dark"
I yelled in pain as i "smacked my head on the fucking cupboard when I went to lie down"
The crashing sound following this being my *giving the cupboard what it deserved* lol Who fights with a cupboard ... honestly ...

So the trip home, the torn jeans are still a mystery ... and will most likely remain that way.

I'm told it was a wicked night ... everyone had fun, including me ...

I'm told ... it was a *night to remember* :)

I'm only sleepin'

"I lift my head, I'm still yawnin' ... when I'm in the middle of a dream, I stay in bed ... float upstream"

It's 6.30 in the morning ... I should be asleep but my mind seems to disagree ... no surprise there.

I had such an amp'd week last week ... thus making it *slightly* difficult to get back to the "norm".

The Fash @ The Annandale ... The Vines @ The Forum ... My birthday party (yes, assume it was epic ... as *epic* it was) ...

I'm feeling each moment as my week at work draws to a close - this being Wednesday evening so I shouldn't complain ... Ha, Fuk Yeh!

Listening to Melodia (which, might I add, is fucking brilliant beyond brilliant) is probably not aiding my cause ... *Fuck this! I'm going to the Annandale!* lol

Which reminds me ... I recall a certain someone offering to replace my garb relative to said former venue ... which was unexpectedly lost ... (ok, ok, I know ... lost due to my lack of sobriety skills ... but hey, imperfections are characteristics untapped!!)