"And it feels like we're drownin' ... Sinkin' to the bottom ... Is there light at the end of this tunnel?"
Depression ... A word ... A word that holds alot of power ... A word that means alot, and at the same time has numerous meanings ... To some an emotion experienced when prompted by something which saddens them - to others a complicated, debilitating, life threatening illness ... Depression is open to interpretation ... What makes it more confusing is *depression* is a term used not only in Psychiatry, but also Economics, Geography, Meteorology and Surveying, to name some, the meaning differing to each category ... There is one constant that remains though ... The low ... The negative ...
I was around 14 years of age when our *group* learned one of our fellow group members was diagnosed with *Depression* ... I also clearly remember my confusion, and inability to empathise her dilemma ... If she was sad surely we could *cheer her up* ... What made her sad? ... Why is she sad? ... Still to this day people who aren't acquainted with depression, relating to the psychiatric illness, would respond quite the same ...
The fact the term coined, a word with multiple meanings, *depression*, makes matters even worse when trying to educate someone who is unfamiliar with what depression, as an illness, really is ...
Being diagnosed with depression was a scary day ... week ... month ... oh hell - the thought of it still scares me ... At one end of the spectrum it has so much stigma surrounding it - on the opposite end people are completely ignorant and antipathetic towards it ... That being said, from my diagnosis I found some comfort in knowing that mine wasn't an isolated incident ...
Depression swept over me like an untamed wave ... Life seemed more pointless everyday ... Motivation, gone ... My thirst for life in drought ... My passion ebbed away from me with nothing I could do to stop it ... My responsibilities became redundant ... My reason for living was plaguing me constantly ...
On the outside looking in people think it's as easy as just *cheer up* ... The majority of people never being able to understand what depression is, and the side effects as a result ... When you cease caring about whether you live or die of course your care factor for your career will be even further down the richter scale ... You could be judging someone who is late all the time, based on *how it looks* you think they are a rude disrespectful person who is undeserving of their job ... When in actual fact, upon looking through the looking glass, they might not feel deserving of their life, let alone their job ... A world where getting out of bed, and getting ready causes a mass of inner-conflict and internal war ... Constantly being told it's simple task that appears to require no thought, question nor reason to you ... To someone who is suffering from depression this task becomes an emotionally draining struggle ... An unwanted fight you have to try and win whilst being well aware the odds are stacked against your favour ... The self-hatred when reflecting on your inability and failure to perform the *simplest* of tasks ... Constant affirmation that you just aren't good enough ...
This being the segwae leading to my current employment situation ... What's become, for me, a very unhealthy situation ... The *Corporate* inability to empathise ... Their inability to step into my shoes ... is building into a storm of emotional turmoil ... They see only black and white ... Grey no longer exists ... Confidence knowing I tried best I believed I had improved alot ... Being told that it's not better, if anything worse, and I need to do better ... When you are doing your best; then to get told your best isn't good enough ... That's enough to leave anyone broken ... Being told, now on a near daily basis of my flaws and inadequacies ... Picking away at me ... Breaking me down slowly, but surely ... Still no acknowledgement at all to mention any of my efforts whatsoever ...
My already shoddy foundations now starting to crack and warp under the pressure ...
Tools required for fix : Unknown
Possible forecast : Unpredictable
ETR (Estimated Time of Restoration) : Unknown
Had I a tangible injury with an estimated time of recovery ... Ha! What fairytale did I get that from?! ... Start throwing some grey this way ...
I am me ...
I won't change who I am because someone else thinks I am not good enough ...
I won't be made to feel less of a person ... I am as worthy as the next ...
I am ever learning ... Evolving ... Slowly getting acquainted with all of me ... The sweet, and the sour ...
Familiarising myself with my so called *flaws* and *inadequacies* ...
Learning to work with myself, and not against, in achieving a goal ...
The reality is that not everything that is broken can be fixed ...
I must push on and keep walking ...
Accustomed to the weight on my shoulders ...
Eventually my path will become clear ...
And walk it, I will ...
Excess Baggage still in tow ...
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