For Yong

For someone loved and lost,
A man so beloved, so dear.
Together aching, today we grieve,
A scar on our hearts for each fallen tear.

With a loss so great,
Unknown if time can and will heal.
Only sadness and confusion
This very present we feel.

Even though sorrow weighs
Heavy in our hearts,
With us he is still, watching
Over us closely, not far apart.

Blessed are we, been a part of his life,
Today we come together, our gift to give.
Fondly our hearts will smile,
Celebrating the life that he lived.

Yong was effortlessly thoughtful,
His face glowed admiring his sons.
Ever kind to others, without hesitation
Giving his last pork bun.

Yong could be stubborn, modest and proud,
Unconditional his love not expressed as in spoken; that could be heard.
To witness the love and respect for his wife, love for family and friends,
Those close knew his actions spoke louder than words.

Moments stoic and stern were quick to pass,
Children could easily light up his day.
Yong remained forever giving to others,
Truly selfless in each and every way.

Warm was his smile,
With his Grandkids in his sight.
Constantly stocking the pantry,
With all the sweets that they liked.

Ever mindful of those around him,
He'd give, at the least offer, the shirt from his back.
Sacrificing what he enjoyed, like pork crackle given to his son,
Not fussed that then he in turn lacked.

Yong's greatest satisfaction achieved
From other people's enjoyment,
Whether it be car parts, fancy running shoes,
Wonton soup, or drunken wedding moments.

As long as you were smiling,
And having a good time,
You could be sure he was too, teethy his friendly grin,
Now forever imprinted in our minds.

Never complaining once, even during his taxing last days,
He would always have strength enough for his smile to prevail.
A sense of peace and fulfillment filled his room,
Even when the ship to take him on his new journey was bound to set sail.

Still the air of the night, starlit was the sky,
Endless the quiet as time neared upon that fateful day.
We still felt him with us, filling our void, sensed his smile, without regret,
Bringing us together, how he wanted it ... Ending his way.

"That'll do son", "That'll do", he said his final farewell
Without a doubt being greeted with open arms up there.
Life and time will too pass us by, for us who remain.

Rest assured he'll be waiting, his time to welcome us, say hello, and
Ready he'll guide us, lovingly, knowingly, to our next lives,
Apart no longer, finally we'll be together, again.

17th October, 1939 - 22nd December, 2009

Rest In Peace Yong

How Indiscreet

"I saw you last night ... My, my, how indiscreet ... Your self-desctruction is so complete ... My, my, baby, my, my, my ... Lord, I know, yeah I know ... She's goin' down slow ... "

I believe we have varied expectations of the people we choose to have in our lives ...

We may be informed of something by someone only to be painted a completely different picture of the same scenario by another ... Who do we believe?

Our decision is based on a number of factors - most important of which being trust ... You build trust, on many different levels, depending on each person ...

For example: an aquaintence tells you she saw your partner kissing your closest friend ... only to then hear from your closest friend they in fact witnessed the aquaintence with your partner ... Naturally those of us who have faith in the loyalties we regard, and the trust we value in friendship would, without question, believe in our friend's word - not even bothering to entertain the possibility of their legitimatacy, or lack thereof ... Failing to analyse the circumstance ...

Then what of those people that take advantage of this very trust you hold with such high regard? ... Whereas you might hold high regard for this friendship; they, in fact, regard the friendship as more of a trump card ... A mere wildcard used against you for their own selfish advancement ...

Competing to beat you across the finish line when you weren't even aware there was a competition in place ... Only seeing it for what it really is when you finally catch up to your friend only to find them with a trophy in their grasp, surrounded by a fanclub of applause and cheer, the suprised innocent pretence dissipating leaving no more than a calculated, manipulative stranger staring back at you with an all knowing gleam in their eyes ...

Your sweet indiscretions no longer sweet, nor discreet ...

Playing the victim is just that - playing ... Sure, play ... Play that role for as long as you can ... As it won't be long until your thespian skills are inadequate in keeping your character alive ...

My, my, baby, you were goin' down slow ... But it's speeding up now ... What happens when it all catches up with you in the end? ...

My, my, baby ...

Sorry Seems to be The Hardest Word

"It's a sad, sad situation ... And it's getting more and more absurd ... What I got to do to be heard? ... What do I say when it's all over? ... Sorry seems to be the hardest word"

It's a shame to think of all the time we waste deterring the pointed finger of blame, when for the most past, that someone that's been wronged just wants to hear "sorry" ...

Some acknowledgement that they've been wronged makes a world of difference; and pathes the way to move on ...

To say sorry means you accept your wrong doing ... To accept you've not done the right thing by the other person, and to apologise for your mistake ... Wow, what a difference that makes to the reciprient in comparison to over worded excuses and unmeaningful justifications ...

You may be just and reasonable for your actions ... But when dealing with others you cannot expect people to see your reason as your reason is your own to see ...

That being said, harbouring resentment towards someone that has indirectly and unintentionally hurt you without voicing your issue ... Expecting one to see your issue ... Your issue is your own; you can't expect it to be seen until told ...

I suppose this can all change with expectations ... What expectations you have of someone and the expectations they may have of you ...

But that's a whole other story ...

And there's only so many hours in the day ... and/or night.

Green Eyes

"Honey you are a rock ... upon which I stand ... Green Eyes; the spotlight .. shines upon you ... How could anybody .. deny you"

Green eyes ...

Hazel eyes ...

Brown Hai-nan eyes ...

You are a rock ...

I've Come To Realise ...

1. I've come to realise that my boobs...
are fantastic

2. I've come to realise that my job...
is a means to an end

3. I've come to realise that when I'm driving...
from A to B, my urgency to reach B increases once I leave A

4. I've come to realise that I need...
to care

5. I've come to realise that I have lost...
the ability to cry

6. I've come to realise that I hate it when...
people judge a book by its cover

7. I've come to realise the person I like...
to help doesn't need to ask

8. I've come to realise that money...
is essential; the amount is irrelevant

9. I've come to realise that people...
go through life with there eyes wide shut

10. I've come to realise that I'll always be...
awake with my eyes wide open

12. I've come to realise that my mum...
is selfish

13. I've come to realise that my mobile phone is...
more like an overbearing parent

14. I've come to realise that when I woke up this morning...
I wanted to go back to sleep

15. I've come to realise that last night before I went to sleep...
I fought to stay awake a little longer

16. I've come to realise that right now I am thinking about...
my answer

17. I've come to realise that my dad...
is clueless but has a heart of gold

18. I've come to realise that when I get on Myspace...
I sing my profile quote in my mind

19. I've come to realise that today....
is another day closer to change

20. I've come to realise that tonight...
I will try to put off tomorrow

21. I've come to realise that tomorrow will be...
today; no matter how much I've distracted myself

22. I've come to realise that I really want to...
be, and not just do

24. I've come to realise that life...
won't give if you don't ask

25. I've come to realise that this weekend...
I did more sleeping than this week

26. I've come to realise that my ex...
is my rock

27. I've realised the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is what relays my emotion into song

28. I've come to realise that my friends...
are my family

29. I've come to realise that this past year...
has been a cacophony of emotion and reaction

30. I've come to realise that the last person I kissed...
was my Husband too long ago

31. I've come to realise that when people walk out of my life...
they don't feel hard done by

All Apologies

"What else should I be? All apologies ... What else should I say? Everyone is gay ... What else could I write? I don't have the right ... What else should I be? All apologies"

Pressure ...

It'll tighten until it nearly squeezes the life out of you ... And just when you think it'll suffocate you it eases considerably ... So much so that you've forgotten how tight that grip before you have time to prepare yourself for the next onslaught ...

How one handles pressure is dependant on the individual ... Not talking right or wrong, because each individual has their own idea on what's the best ailment for their situation ...

Me? When i'm under pressure I like to go solo ... Lock myself away ... Write ... Ponder ... Medicate if necessary (if symptoms persist repeat last 3 actions)...

Again, not coming from a 'right way' or 'wrong way' point of view (the reason I say this is because there are many ways to handle pressure; most of us using the tools we already have available and within reach)...

When you've been under excessive amounts of pressure throughout your life you generally won't uproot spontaneously, do a 180 degree turn, and adopt an unfamiliar method ...

Sure, my way of handling pressure may be seen as the 'wrong' way, but hey, it works for me ...

The only thing is I then end up worrying everyone else around me, and don't get a moment with my own thoughts, due to the knocks on the door, the messages, the phone calls ...

What a slap in the face on irony's behalf ...

I close off, allowing no one in, and in my view that's not just the best thing for me, but for them too ... Out of sight, out of mind ...

But the concern starts, my subconscious hears there worry, and 2nd again, I have to put my self on the back burner so I can put my full attention into ensuring everyone else is not worried about me / for me / effected by me ...

It seems a closed door, non-responsive, provokes knocking even louder ... Surely if no one answers you can assume there's *nobody home* ...

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't...

Welcome someone in to be witness to my distracted, bleak mood; company to my misery ... Or prevent further exposure by locking them out, and me in, so to work through it alone only to find out I have unintentionally been leading them down another dead end road leading to the same discontent...

I hear it now ... The music's full blast ... I've asked for time alone, my door is shut ... Yet I am being called out for trivial things ... To see if i'm ok? ... He know's i'm ok ... I've said repeatedly "Father, I just want to write and listen to music" ... But because he's unsettled that is not good enough for him ... If i've answered the 20 knocks prior with "I'm ok" odds would predict what the next answer would be ... Uh-huh - spot on ...

All Apologies ... But if it's good for me right now to handle it this way, then it should be good enough for him ...

And instead of me sitting here working through the pressure from situations that are still as relevant as ever ... Instead of detangling the knot of unresolved issues, I am wasting emotional energy resenting my Father for my having to ask numerous times for something so simple, time alone, and he continues to niggle at that ... Making this, in actual fact, a waste of a fucking hour (++), and the grip from the pressure tightens ... Rather than leaving this room relieved of pressure; my level of pressure will have increased knowing that if he'd just left me alone I wouldn't even be writing this ...

All apologies Dad, are you ok? You keep knocking at my door?

All apologies ... You rang 3 times?

All apologies ... I missed your texts.

All Apologies ... Next time i'll put on a fake smile, pretend everything's ok, because I wouldn't want to put anyone out ...

All Apologies ... You're worried about the car not being parked in the garage? Where is it parked?

All Apologies ... You're concerned that next week could be too late for the car to be registered?

All Apologies to myself for thinking that I might be able to vent my personal frustrations and work through this stress alone with my thoughts ...

All Apologies to myself in thinking that I could get some time alone ... I should've known better ...

All Apologies.

Is It Any Wonder?

"And now I look a fool for thinking you were on ... Is it any wonder I'm tired? ... Is it any wonder that I feel uptight? ... Is it any wonder I don't know what's right? ... Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand ... It's hard to know where I am"

I am so enraged with the speed in which people are so quick to judge and criticise when they really know nothing about the circumstance, situation, nor anything about the people involved within it ...

You'd think evolution would prove people are more 'tuned in' when meeting a new face ...

Unfortunately, the people who have an ingrained bitterness reflecting on their own lack of happiness and sense of self are quickest to judge those who seem happy themselves ...

These are the sort of characters that lend an open ear when witnessing stories about an unhappy marriage, a broken home, a loveless and laughless life ... As it is easier to assume pity on another than it is to about face and reflect on what's happening, or should I say lacking, in their own life ...

Then when faced with a tale of love, laughter, respect and loyalty? ... They deem this an impossibility and start to create vicious fantasies on what they think is the marred skeleton in the closet, as to them such happiness is inconceivable ...

If you are too far gone a cynic to believe in the possibility that "the happy couple" is not just a sarcastic terminology but an actual reality to some ...

Well, what can I say? ...

Stop dishing out your bitterness, pity and doubt ...

As the only one who is bitter and full of doubt is you ...

Your criticism is desperate, irrational and pathetic ...

Therefore; there is only one who should, and will, be pitied ...

You.


[Dedicated to Marie]

Fake Empire

"No thinking for a little while, let's not try to figure out everything it wants ... It’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky ... We’re half-awake in a fake empire"

If you have been given the opportunity of happiness the one thing that will surely make you refuse is a question of your own self-worth ...

Am I worthy of this happiness? ...

Some days it's no question at all ...

Other days the question will plague my mind ...

The days my feelings of being undeserved weigh down my thoughts, darken my day, making my own worst enemy I head down a path of self-destructive behaviour in an attempt to shake even just a fraction of the weight I bear heavy upon myself ...

Doubt ... It always works it way in ... And once that seed of unsurety has been planted it is difficult to ignore it's presence ...

Now here, again, it's with me ... Hovering over me like a cloud ... Cloudy ... Stormy ... Overcast ... Sun rays break through the clouds on occasion, but disappear when I accustom to their presence and warmth ...

Constantly I slip in and out of this coma of uncertainty ...

Security and assuredness impermanent ...

Wide awake ... Half awake ... Asleep ...

Who knows how each day will steer ...

Utterly unpredictable ...

Don't Panic

"All that we fall for ... Homes, places we've known ... All of us are done for"

It's scary how you get to that point in life where you think nothing will, nor could change ...

An insight of emptiness into what you think your future will be ...

By now, you all know I'm not the most optimistic person when it comes to an everyday outlook ...

But I can say with much conviction that change - whether seemingly minimal or life changing - can happen around any corner; no matter how unsuspecting of it you may be ...

The irony is when you are at your worst ... Most willing to hand it all over ... When you lose all hope and finally accept your lonely existence, that one variable will happen upon you ... and change everything ...

Sure, some could say that it shouldn't take another to change your outlook on life ... But, hey, if that's all you have to grasp on to to stay alive ... hold on tight, and think twice before letting go ...

I'm not a lucky girl ...

It's just been a long time coming ...

Head In My Hands

"I hate my melodies, they're all the same ... I'm losin' sight again, I'm losing days ... Here I will stand, with my head in my hands"

What do you see when you look at your reflection? ...

What I see, and what others see of me, differs greatly ...

And I can't help but think that if I saw in myself a fraction of what others see in me I might actually pry my arse from this fucking rock I seem to be stranded on, and keep moving forward ...

Preconception ... What a bitch ...

Everyone, at some point, in their own ignorance, has had a preconceived idea of something, or someone, only to have that idea proved quite the opposite ...

When you don't have much invested in something it is easy to base your understanding of it on assumption, as you will be indifferent as to the final outcome ... If you don't care about something, then you cannot be let down by it ...

It's a basic concept, yeah? ... Ahh, nothing is that black and white for me ...

What if you have a preconceived idea of yourself? ... What if that preconception is negative? ...

The easy option, of course, would be to let the track play on repeat ...

To challenge yourself, when you've already set yourself up for failure ...

When you bet against the odds, bet against what others believe, you yourself require some belief in winning ... No matter how minimal, something resounds within ... A possibility, at least ... A chance of winning ...

I suppose what comes into play at that point is how much is at stake ...

Nothing will be gained from not playing ...

Alot can be lost ...

And if you're someone with nothing to lose?

Playing safe isn't as risk free as you think ...

Read the fine print ...

Do I keep knocking things down to distract myself from what needs to be built?

Soon enough there will be nothing left to pull down ...

Always On This Line

"When you're always on this line, when you're always on this line ... You could've crossed a million times, but you're always on this line ... Oh, put your hands up, claim your crime ... 'Cause you never have the time .... You'll still get to work just fine ... When you're always on this line ... It might be a shame of me to treat you like that"

How can you appreciate life when you see it as a monotonous struggle ... Disappointment around each corner ... Like playing the pokies; you think when you finally win something it may have been worth it, where in actual fact you've put so much more at stake you haven't actually won at all ... It's a farce ... An idealised version of advancing; the screen is flashing "winner, winner" ... whereas in reality you've taken that many steps back you're still so far behind ...

Then when we do finally win it's not enough ... We want more ... When does fulfilled ever apply? ... Are we ever satisfied? ...

I crave so badly the 2 dimensional outlook ... The ability to do without question ... The ability to see, without depth ... To be able to accept without question ... But Pandora's Box has already been wrenched open ...

I feel angry ... I feel resentment ... I feel bitterness ...

I am fearful ... I am lost ... I cannot find my way ... Yet remain too proud to ask for directions ...

So what do I do? ... I make those closest to me suffer ...

I am suffering ... Too proud to to take responsibility for my own crimes ... Brought upon myself ... A never ending thirst that cannot be quenched ... Expectant of others to understand something I cannot explain ... Angry when they cannot see ... When they cannot understand ... How can they know what is untold?

I want to break down ... Reach out ... Tell my story ...

Voice my weaknesses ... Tell of my fears ... Claim responsibility ...

Expel denial and be woman enough to fall to pieces ...

Too be too proud to break down is not strength nor courage ... To not break down ... Too emotionally detach ... It is nothing but fear ... I am a coward ...

To face my fears, accept them ... To break down when my inner most feelings are confronting me in my reflection ... To sob in the arms of another in fear ... That is real courage ... That is true strength ...

My manufactured smokescreen is dissipating ... The fog of confusion is clearing ...

The impending confrontation I will inevitably face is near ...

The pretence of the strong person I put forward will be no more ...

Leaving me ...

And who am I?

Not even I know ...

Time will tell ...

Light at the End of the Tunnel

"And it feels like we're drownin' ... Sinkin' to the bottom ... Is there light at the end of this tunnel?"

Depression ... A word ... A word that holds alot of power ... A word that means alot, and at the same time has numerous meanings ... To some an emotion experienced when prompted by something which saddens them - to others a complicated, debilitating, life threatening illness ... Depression is open to interpretation ... What makes it more confusing is *depression* is a term used not only in Psychiatry, but also Economics, Geography, Meteorology and Surveying, to name some, the meaning differing to each category ... There is one constant that remains though ... The low ... The negative ...

I was around 14 years of age when our *group* learned one of our fellow group members was diagnosed with *Depression* ... I also clearly remember my confusion, and inability to empathise her dilemma ... If she was sad surely we could *cheer her up* ... What made her sad? ... Why is she sad? ... Still to this day people who aren't acquainted with depression, relating to the psychiatric illness, would respond quite the same ...

The fact the term coined, a word with multiple meanings, *depression*, makes matters even worse when trying to educate someone who is unfamiliar with what depression, as an illness, really is ...

Being diagnosed with depression was a scary day ... week ... month ... oh hell - the thought of it still scares me ... At one end of the spectrum it has so much stigma surrounding it - on the opposite end people are completely ignorant and antipathetic towards it ... That being said, from my diagnosis I found some comfort in knowing that mine wasn't an isolated incident ...

Depression swept over me like an untamed wave ... Life seemed more pointless everyday ... Motivation, gone ... My thirst for life in drought ... My passion ebbed away from me with nothing I could do to stop it ... My responsibilities became redundant ... My reason for living was plaguing me constantly ...

On the outside looking in people think it's as easy as just *cheer up* ... The majority of people never being able to understand what depression is, and the side effects as a result ... When you cease caring about whether you live or die of course your care factor for your career will be even further down the richter scale ... You could be judging someone who is late all the time, based on *how it looks* you think they are a rude disrespectful person who is undeserving of their job ... When in actual fact, upon looking through the looking glass, they might not feel deserving of their life, let alone their job ... A world where getting out of bed, and getting ready causes a mass of inner-conflict and internal war ... Constantly being told it's simple task that appears to require no thought, question nor reason to you ... To someone who is suffering from depression this task becomes an emotionally draining struggle ... An unwanted fight you have to try and win whilst being well aware the odds are stacked against your favour ... The self-hatred when reflecting on your inability and failure to perform the *simplest* of tasks ... Constant affirmation that you just aren't good enough ...

This being the segwae leading to my current employment situation ... What's become, for me, a very unhealthy situation ... The *Corporate* inability to empathise ... Their inability to step into my shoes ... is building into a storm of emotional turmoil ... They see only black and white ... Grey no longer exists ... Confidence knowing I tried best I believed I had improved alot ... Being told that it's not better, if anything worse, and I need to do better ... When you are doing your best; then to get told your best isn't good enough ... That's enough to leave anyone broken ... Being told, now on a near daily basis of my flaws and inadequacies ... Picking away at me ... Breaking me down slowly, but surely ... Still no acknowledgement at all to mention any of my efforts whatsoever ...

My already shoddy foundations now starting to crack and warp under the pressure ...

Tools required for fix : Unknown
Possible forecast : Unpredictable
ETR (Estimated Time of Restoration) : Unknown

Had I a tangible injury with an estimated time of recovery ... Ha! What fairytale did I get that from?! ... Start throwing some grey this way ...

I am me ...

I won't change who I am because someone else thinks I am not good enough ...

I won't be made to feel less of a person ... I am as worthy as the next ...

I am ever learning ... Evolving ... Slowly getting acquainted with all of me ... The sweet, and the sour ...

Familiarising myself with my so called *flaws* and *inadequacies* ...

Learning to work with myself, and not against, in achieving a goal ...

The reality is that not everything that is broken can be fixed ...

I must push on and keep walking ...

Accustomed to the weight on my shoulders ...

Eventually my path will become clear ...

And walk it, I will ...

Excess Baggage still in tow ...

Live Forever

"Maybe you're the same as me ... We see things they'll never see ... You and I are gonna live forever"

From the age of 13, all through my early teens, the rave scene was an important part of my life ... As lost as I was I found security, comfort, familiarity and enjoyment in the rave scene ... For my early teens it was the one enjoyable constant in my life ...

Last night I attended *Anthem 5 - doing it Free Love ’95 style* for the *early 90's warehouse children* ... It came about in facebook and I thought, why not take a step back in time ... Pensive on arrival, we were stamped, all my hesitations subsiding as soon as I opened the door ... The lasers, the bass, the atmosphere, the old school anthems, the people - It was like I did step back in time; my surroundings familiar and comforting like running into a cherished friend you haven't seen in a long time ... All too familiar the intoxicating feeling so fulfilling you look at the people around you, smiling at each other knowingly ... Of course with the sweet always comes the sour ...

Rebecca and I were best friends ... We were introduced to each other through friends, becoming really close when I was about 15, and remained inseparable until my 20s ... We were both broken, reckless, and self-destructive - we had an unspoken understanding of each other ... our recklessness and lack of self-regard contributing to our constant partying and excessive drug taking; never failing to push past our limits ... this was inevitably going to lead to our demise - we couldn't go on together like that forever ... regardless of whether we wanted to, or not, something had to give ... and it did ...

The dynamic changed ... Where we used to *come down* together as time went on she began isolating herself for long periods of time, her paranoia visibly was taking a hold of her, her behaviour becoming more and more erratic, her reasoning became irrational ... When you play a major part in each others lives you're in each others thoughts constantly ... Unfortunately, as her outlook became negative, so did her thoughts of me ...

I remember the last time I spoke to her ... I rang her after coming home to my Father being in panic stricken state of fear, sorrow and worry ... an after effect from a phone call ... the answering machine recording it all I listened on confused, hurt and angry ... her asking for me, me not being there to take her call, what she then, without reason, said to my Father about me ... I had never fought with her before ... My last words to her making clear to her I no longer wanted to speak to her ... The conviction must have been evident, I never heard from her again ...

I remember the last time I saw her ... Quite a few years later ... I was with Will driving to Warringah Mall ... she was in the passenger's seat of a commodore ute, she looked straight at me ... She was leaning out the window ... Exposing her left hand seemingly purposefully, an engagement ring reflecting the sunlight ...

I was at work when I found out ... Early 2007 ... Finding out about her last moments spent in a hotel room a week ago ... I had seen her 2 days prior, the same day her funeral was held ...

Last night on a few occasions smiling knowingly I'd look around expecting to see her face ...

A moment of enjoyment I was used to sharing with her ...

This morning I said my proper goodbye to Rebecca as the last song that played this morning played for us ...

Nothing is forever ...

A Beautiful Lie

"Everyone's looking at me, I'm running around in circles ... A quiet desperation's building higher, I've got to remember this is just a game ... It's a beautiful lie ... It's a perfect denial"

There is no check list of prerequisites when it comes to when, where and who I bare my soul to ... Most of the time I don't feel my behaviour nor actions need justification ... It is not my problem if someone thinks less of me as a result of their own perception; their ignorance ultimately leading to their loss, I am not here to prove myself to anyone ... My friends know I damaged goods ... Accepting of me ... Knowing how I tick, not needing to know why ... In return I oblige by not getting too deep ...

Segregation happens everywhere, subconsciously or not, I always form a kinship with the *misfits* ... As obvious as a tattoo on their arm, perhaps unnoticeable and misunderstood by most, sixth sense kicks in and I feel drawn to certain people ... maybe seeing a hint of their own void in their eyes, or hearing pain when they speak ... Without invitation you won't push another misfit into telling their story ... Just the knowing that there is a story is more than enough to relate to ...

Starting out to be a seemingly *normal* day at work turned into something much more meaningful ...

This afternoon, sitting at my workstation and up to and through my first break I bared my soul to someone ... Another misfit ... The painful memories that resurfaced a fair trade in for the relief of someone, this someone, seeing me as I really am ... Through the looking glass ...

I didn't feel I had to, nor that I should ...

But ... this person's perception of me does matter ... This is one of those rare occasions I do care ...

I wanted to bare my soul this time ... and I did ...

Baring their soul to me in return ...

Feeling relief when the puzzle was complete ...

Brought closer from showing the bigger picture ...

Magical Mystery Tour

"Roll up and that's an invitation, roll up for the mystery tour ... Roll up to make a reservation, roll up for the mystery tour ... The magical mystery tour is waiting to take you away ... waiting to take you away"

I sometimes can't help but wonder what other people are thinking when they seem to be participating in the same mundane tasks I am ... Taking a cab home ... Waiting in a restaurant for food ... Viewing life from a balcony ... Sitting in traffic ...

After seeing Dark Knight last night, my friend and I came back to my place to chill for a while before proceeding, as planned, to take her home ... Not long prior downing half of a painkiller she had most generously provided the weekend just past, but hadn't come around to devouring it ... until now, of course ...

After having driven with an expired license for almost two months my confidence in being invincible behind the wheel was increased 10-fold when I finally hauled my arse to the local RTA (Roads & Traffic Authority) ...

I'd sampled the same painkillers a couple of years earlier, acquiring them legitimately after a knee reconstruction, so there was no feeling of hesitance prior to, and after, it's consumption ...

After an hour passed since it's demise, and prior to stepping up to my agreement of dropping my friend home, I complained of the lack of effect it had on me ... Unimpressed with the anti-climax, deciding a few Jim Beam's would get the party started (or at least make it more interesting) I decided it a safer and more logical path to take my friend home first so as to continue my solo celebration upon safe return ...

The drive to her place takes around 30 minutes at that time ... Deciding to take the route where it's no street light road, bush either side, for 5 minutes ... I realised, when I switched my lights off when using trial and error in remembering the indicator function, that this little beauty had some kick ... So I floated us to her place in my Cloud 9 vehicle with dual exhausts with a smirk on my face ... Pulling up outside we said our goodbyes ... Existentially mapping my way home ...

With a lack of cars on the road I decided against the daunting Road to Mordor, and opted for the more appealing brighter, friendlier route home ...

Not long after departure it seemed I had befriended a red commodore ute ... Flying around corners, like Monkey and his oh-so loyal and sturdy cloud, this vehicle friend became my marker ... Like the Pied Piper he lead me home ... The glowing tail-lights my beacon of hope, my security blanket, my light at the end of the tunnel ... The hypnotic fix on those red lights my life buoy, keeping me afloat in this fussy, untamed cloud that I seemed to sink deeper and deeper within ...

After encountering, for the first time, another vehicle on my journey I grinned profusely ... Finding amusement in my total and utter enjoyment I was having whilst performing this mundane task ... Was the red commodore floating along Eastern Valley Way on Cloud 9 ? ... Or perhaps whistling in glee the Pied Piper's tune ? ... Or perhaps just cold, tired, wanting to get the fuck home ! ... Maybe he was late home from the lads place after a few beers and he was anticipating the wife's not-so-warm welcome home ... Maybe he was on his way to work as a graveyard shift worker ... Maybe he was a she that liked V8 utes ... Maybe she sneaks the keys from her husband's bedside table every night to drive the V8 ute because he'd never let her any other time ... Perhaps she had taken a trip and was Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, not Monkey Magic at all ...

Sure, from a *normal* outsider's perspective we were just two vehicles getting from A to B ... the driver of one just a little intoxicated ...

But hey, what is *normal* anyhow ? ...

If it involves seeing things in that one dimensional view ... then Please!

Hand me that straight-jacket *stat*! ...

And book me a one way ticket to that little place where the flowers grow ...

I'll be back in an hour ... or so ...