Always On This Line

"When you're always on this line, when you're always on this line ... You could've crossed a million times, but you're always on this line ... Oh, put your hands up, claim your crime ... 'Cause you never have the time .... You'll still get to work just fine ... When you're always on this line ... It might be a shame of me to treat you like that"

How can you appreciate life when you see it as a monotonous struggle ... Disappointment around each corner ... Like playing the pokies; you think when you finally win something it may have been worth it, where in actual fact you've put so much more at stake you haven't actually won at all ... It's a farce ... An idealised version of advancing; the screen is flashing "winner, winner" ... whereas in reality you've taken that many steps back you're still so far behind ...

Then when we do finally win it's not enough ... We want more ... When does fulfilled ever apply? ... Are we ever satisfied? ...

I crave so badly the 2 dimensional outlook ... The ability to do without question ... The ability to see, without depth ... To be able to accept without question ... But Pandora's Box has already been wrenched open ...

I feel angry ... I feel resentment ... I feel bitterness ...

I am fearful ... I am lost ... I cannot find my way ... Yet remain too proud to ask for directions ...

So what do I do? ... I make those closest to me suffer ...

I am suffering ... Too proud to to take responsibility for my own crimes ... Brought upon myself ... A never ending thirst that cannot be quenched ... Expectant of others to understand something I cannot explain ... Angry when they cannot see ... When they cannot understand ... How can they know what is untold?

I want to break down ... Reach out ... Tell my story ...

Voice my weaknesses ... Tell of my fears ... Claim responsibility ...

Expel denial and be woman enough to fall to pieces ...

Too be too proud to break down is not strength nor courage ... To not break down ... Too emotionally detach ... It is nothing but fear ... I am a coward ...

To face my fears, accept them ... To break down when my inner most feelings are confronting me in my reflection ... To sob in the arms of another in fear ... That is real courage ... That is true strength ...

My manufactured smokescreen is dissipating ... The fog of confusion is clearing ...

The impending confrontation I will inevitably face is near ...

The pretence of the strong person I put forward will be no more ...

Leaving me ...

And who am I?

Not even I know ...

Time will tell ...