Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay

"watching the tide roll away ... wasting time ... nothin's gonna change ... everything still remains the same"

When it comes to priorities, each to their own ...

Every person has their own idea on what they find important ... how they set their goals in life and why they believe the goals they have set must be achieved ... their perception of right and wrong, normal and abnormal ...

Personal achievements can be based on so many different things ...

Outside influence, past experience, learning from mistakes, self esteem, shame, pride, love, hate, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, ego, determination, passion, skill ... just to name a few, any of these elements can shape how one will approach in achieving their goal ...

The goal itself ... Hmmm ... There are so many different factors that could contribute to how someone measures their own success therefore setting out to achieve what they perceive as relative ...

*Success* ... *Successful* ... The majority of society base success on monetary value ... If you have made a fortune you are automatically branded as successful ... If you have built an "empire" ... climbed the Corporate ladder ... make the *social pages* regularly ... made *front page* news ...

The dictionary's first meaning of the word success ... "the favourable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavours"

So many of us push to achieve these riches ... We strive for success ... We desire it so badly; although we aren't entirely sure of what it is ... You see it all around you, everyday ... When society measure success in those terms of course you're inclined to put all your focus into achieving this *success* ... have a family (dog included) ... buy a car ... buy a house ... get a promotion ... buy a holiday house ... a boat ... a sports car ... ski trips in Aspen ... keeping up with the Jones' ... buying out the Jones' ... employing the Jones'! ...

When you have been exposed to so much of the dark side of life your view of the world changes ... you can't help but see things in a different perspective ...

Success no longer drives you towards the *white picket fence* ...

The flood gates are forced open ... as a result your values change ... your perception of what success really is ... what to truly value becomes clear ... the fire is set alight to pursue what you now want to achieve, no matter how "small" your goals appear to others ... the things you may have once considered to be of importance, that which held utmost significance in your life, now somewhat trivialised by this sequence of events ...

Like an endless string of dominoes ... the first piece in the puzzle falls ... the rest to assuredly follow ... one by one falling in an unstoppable sequence of beautiful mayhem ... they continue to fall ... gradually showing more and more ... moving closer ... ever revealing the bigger picture ...

From the first moment you looked upon the world in this new coloured light, you knew your outlook would be forever tinted in this hue ...

No longer the pressure to achieve goals that are meaningless and impassionate ...

No longer chasing a mirage of satisfaction ...

No longer climbing towards an illusion of what the majority consider important achievements ...

Now, not only do you have sight ...

You can finally see ...

Everyday is Exactly the Same

"I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound"

noise - noun, verb, noised, nois·ing –noun
1. sound, esp. of a loud, harsh, or confused kind: deafening noises.
2. a sound of any kind: to hear a noise at the door.
3. loud shouting, outcry, or clamor.
4. a nonharmonious or discordant group of sounds.
5. an electric disturbance in a communications system that interferes with or prevents reception of a signal or of information, as the buzz on a telephone or snow on a television screen.
6. Informal. extraneous, irrelevant, or meaningless facts, information, statistics, etc.: The noise in the report obscured its useful information.
7. Obsolete. rumor or gossip, esp. slander.
–verb (used with object)
8. to spread, as a report or rumor; disseminate (usually fol. by about or abroad): A new scandal is being noised about.
–verb (used without object)
9. to talk much or publicly.
10. to make a noise, outcry, or clamor.
—Idiom
11. make noises, Informal. to speak vaguely; hint: He is making noises to the press about running for public office.

Music is in my life ... Music is my life ... I couldn't live without it ...

Music is in my life everyday ... It has nursed me through sad times ... Empowered me through difficult times ... Fought beside me in moments of rage ... Warmed me when happy ... Enlightened me when confused ... Inspired me when unmotivated ... The louder, the better ...

I can remember when music first became an integral part of who I am ... The Beatles "red" album, cassette of course, is what began my passion ... It belonged to my father ... I would listen to it over and over on his stereo, knowing every word, every beat, every harmony ...

I can also remember why it became an integral part of who I am ... an escape ... an alternate reality ... a comfort ... music became my security blanket ...

A safe haven from my Mother's physical abuse; that is when she was there on those rare occasions before her leaving me without so much as a note ...

A safe haven from my Father's verbal abuse; that is when he was ever home and/or showing me some form of acknowledgment ...

A safe haven, a warm and familiar embrace of sound, when everything went quiet after my Grandmother died ...

Music rescues me when desperate for escape ...

Noise is still around me ... in every shape or form ...

The yelling, the fighting ... It's still happening, to this very day ... Volume control not an option ...

I shut my door ...

My music is on ...

Volume control now an option here ... I increase the decibels until the noise from outside is drowned and I am surrounded, again, by music ...

Happiness is a Warm Gun

"I need a fix 'cause I'm going down"

Upon completion of my assembly of my new chair I became aware of my smiling to myself familiarly ... Who would've thought that something, perhaps mundane to anyone else, could feel so satisfying ...

Everyone has that something that silences them, if only for a moment, filling them with a sense of satisfaction ...

Not drug induced satisfaction, nor sexual satisfaction ... Not chemical related, nor socially stimulated ... It's that warm *fuzzy* feeling you get when you've accomplished something ...

You may be scanning your brain for your most recognised achievements to date ... I'm not talking about those either ...

This feeling sparks a look in someones eyes; it's unmistakable ... Contentment, pride, tranquility, a moment of peace ... It could be some, one, none or all of these emotions ... whatever the feeling, it brings about the same warm reaction in all ...

My friend, Juliet ... she takes alot of pride in how her home looks ... she has made it a sanctuary ... she is constantly updating her sanctuary to accommodate for more beautiful *additions* to the household ... conscientiously planning where each thing goes ... putting all the pieces together, they fall into place knowingly, like that's where they belong ... When her plans come into fruition, the dust settles from her purposeful rearranging, and the outcome is exactly as she'd pictured, or even better, she gets that look ... Sure, the harmony may not be long term, but just for that moment it's there ...

megwanderer loves to shop ... she loves fashion ... she loves clothes, accessories, shoes, bags - you name it ... when megwanderer shops she will start the day with no clue of what she's looking for ... using her starting purchase and her base structure she'll continue to build on that idea ... The final outcome is always a stunning outfit, with every piece purposeful, from the buttons on the shoes to the length of the earrings ... each item so carefully thought out ... like decorating a room, you can use anything and just make do, or you can put thought into each item of furniture - colours, shapes - so as to create something unique and beautiful ... megwanderer always manages to achieve this ... and there it is, that feeling ...

Pansy loves all things *perfection* ... he is organised and likes his personal space to be kept to a certain high standard of cleanliness ... he maps out each area of *attack* before his determined barrage with all cleaning products a *blazing* ... just like chefs have different knives for each type of food, Pansy will not launch his attack until he is sure his artillery is stocked suitably; prepared for the environment he plans on conquering next ... and once victory is declared and he achieves that high level of cleanliness? ... satisfaction ...

Buetta working on, and completing, something for himself, outside of his *work* duties; remembering why he started working in that field in the first place ... John-Doe coming up with an idea that sparks motivation within him ... Mike who puts in the time to *celeb-spot* with the finished photo, to add to his collection, being the creme de la creme ... Javin applying change to an aspect in his life; proud to see himself follow it through ... AC's courage where if she is craving a change of surroundings she'll step into the unknown so as not to miss anything ... nascent piecing together a string of seemingly meaningless letters and numerals only to produce something that is useful and has functionality ...

Now, in no way am I saying these things are their sole source of satisfaction ...

These individual characteristics and continued behaviours are the *norm* for each person who lives it ... but rather than the monotony of an everyday routine leading to dissatisfaction, which happens more often than not ... this is one *everyday routine* that can be assured to leave you content everytime ...

And me? ... Give me a screwdriver and some ikea furniture anyday!

Now we have reached the end ...

So what is it i'm feeling? ... Pride, contentment, satisfaction? ...

I'd say a little of each :)

Scar Tissue

"with birds i'll share this lonely view ..."

No matter how hard you may try to forget your self-inflicted *misfortunes* there always seems to be a constant reminder staring you in the face everyday ...

Maybe you are starting to move on past a dark time in your life, but just around the corner there will be a man in a chicken suit with a sign around his neck, neon and flashing, written the words "Remember the time ..." ...

A person can be haunted by the past for what seems an eternity ... the memories can be prompted from something as subtle as a smell or sound ... a product in the supermarket ... or can be as intruding as speaking to someone you may have shared another side with ... a tattoo ... a scar ...

Running, hiding, an escape route ... all these become obvious options ... if you leave, you leave all that behind right? ... with this belief in mind you may be able to fool yourself in the short term, sure ... a quick fix to your little problem ...

Eventually, sooner or later, the truth will hit you like a bolt of lightening ... you learn your ghosts know no boundaries ... suburbs, cities, states ... oceans and mountains ... all you have worked to put between yourself and these memories now made redundant ... the false reality you have eluded to falls apart ...

Change of scenery *check* ... change of friends *check* ... your delivery of excess baggage *check* ... Oh, the vicious cycle of it all ...

You wallow in self pity and go so far down, the only way left to go is up ...

When you finally stop running you start to take a look around ... you force yourself to accept your surroundings ... whether you're comfortable with them or not you know that you have to learn to adapt ...

Co-existing with your ghosts ... learning to accept your indiscretions so as to grow past your *regret* ...

And here you are ... at the foot of the mountain ...

Forced back to basics ... your skills are infant ... past attempts highlight the fact your inner *database* of survival skills is in need of a major update ...

The inevitable journey to cross this mountain of pain is daunting ... accepting this *fate* you take the first step ... there are no shortcuts ... no turning back ... no 1-ups ... no *get out of jail free* cards ...

A journey like this can take a lifetime ... but the glimmer of hope resides in knowing that you can only go one way ... you will only go one way ...

No matter how small your steps ... no matter how many breaks you take ...

You push ahead ... move forward ... walk on ...

Mostly scared and unsure of what lies in front of you ...

Somewhat empowered in knowing you have to *just keep walking* ...

Sit and Drink Pennyroyal Tea

"So I can sigh eternally ... I'm so tired I can't sleep"

In Bangkok the traffic they experience is known as *organised chaos* ... Vehicles and pedestrians seemingly coming from more corners than should be possible ... Forced to proceed with adrenalin pumping through your body at an obscene rate ... The intoxicating fumes coupled with the never ending suffocation of your surroundings makes you feel ill ... You struggle with your senses heightened and your foundations shaken as you plunge into this unfamiliar territory all the while straining to keep your wits about you as you fight to keep your head above water ... In an attempt to remain focused on where you should be going, and what you need to do to get there, your hierarchy of "everyday" priorities ends up in ruins ... the foundations, which once held together your *routine* and your *structure* of thought, shaken with such force of confusion that you are left with nothing but rubble ... only, if anything, a vague feeling that you will find your destination ... no more, no less, confused about the route you need to take ...

The ever present traffic ... the organised chaos ... my thoughts ... my priorities ... my feelings ... my emotions ... will move through my mind until the expectant storm hits ...

Then gridlock ... jammed like an incomplete Rubik's Cube tossed aside ... stacked in a state of disorder like Tetris blocks that don't fall into place ... the organised chaos now simply *chaos* ...

In time the storm will pass ...

The traffic will ease ...

I will be left to tidy the mess ...

Clean the debris ...

And pick up the pieces ...

again.

Down or Down

"Go and help yourself today. I think you're so damn insecure, you're either down or down..."

Manufactured highs come in any form these days. In the form of food, shopping, drugs (prescribed or otherwise) ...

Feeling down? Have a Prozac ... Feeling anxious? Have a Xanax ... Feeling tense? Have a Valium ... Can't sleep? Have a Mogadon ...

Since the age of 12 manufactured highs have been detrimental to the most basic functionality of my everyday life ... The solution in pill form? Does it exist? ... Sure, why not ... But upon receipt of your prescribed "band-aid" they fail to read the disclaimer *this product works best when combined with learning life skills* ... who wouldn't go for a quick fix? When you are depressed you can't even leave your couch ... If popping a green pill everyday means you can make it work you'll take that little green pill no questions asked ... This gives you the false sense that you can now function as per "normal" ... but when you are faced with a crisis, put under pressure, or put in a situation that requires a little more than "auto-pilot" the weight on your shoulders becomes twice as heavy and the significance of the burden is magnified to a degree in which the ability to face it evolves into a daunting task of epic proportions ...

That being said the little green pill, that band-aid that you put your trust in to hold you together gradually peels away more and more each day only to expose the fresh wound that lies beneath ...

When the wound heels, and if it does? ... It's like a puzzle i'm trying to finish by working around having so many pieces missing ...

But for now ...

I know I put those band-aids somewhere ...

Underneath the Autumn Shade

"I don't need no more reminding of the day ..."

Last night I saw The Vines perform their Triple J gig at the Manning Bar ... I have been lucky enough to see them twice in the last month, winning tickets to 2 invite only events ...

With great anticipation of The Vines performing AC and I sat outside being sociable ... drinking, smoking, chatting ... After Dukes of Windsor finish their set Mike & mate join us for some facebook worthy photos and pre-Vines banter ... we were seated at a table that, apart from us, included some boppers and two randoms ...

The topic of religion was brought about due to The Pope being in town and my irritation towards having to take an alternate route by taxi due to this, and as a result my having to incur a higher fee ... of course our conversation evolved into a debate ... apparently my views of religion came across as intolerance; which I found surprising as I thought myself to be more open minded than the average ... I am resentful towards religion as I feel some take advantage of people who feel lacking in their lives and offer them false hope which inevitably results in them fattening their pockets ... I am resentful of people that appear strict in their beliefs, and spout and preach accordingly, but then themselves abide by the rules that suit them, yet ignoring others. What hypocrisy ... I am resentful towards the closed minded ignorant black and white rules that are unrealistic - judging others on their sexual preference, their way of life - if God exists he would love all of his followers equally; any sexual preference, someone who tried to commit suicide, someone who had an abortion ... these elements are irrelevant! If you have a kind heart, you have a kind heart ... I am resentful towards the lack of choice some have when it comes to Religion. Certain ideals and rules are thrust upon you at an impressionable age and you are expected to continue these ideals. When you have only been exposed to certain ways of life and ideals you aren't given the opportunity to make up your own mind. What happened to choice? ... but from the other perspective if you are lost then able to find something that strengthens you, and gives your life meaning that's a great thing ... nothing is black and white ... religion is so many shades of grey ...

When my opposing debater went to get a drink I was discussing with his friend how much he seemed to enjoy it ... level of intellect was brought up and the levels of IQ ... IQ is measured on one's ability and capability to learn ... mine being in the top 2% of the world ... this left me somewhat speechless ...

I have always been told that I am capable of achieving anything ... implementing these skills when my life is lacking certain elements is not unlike being dealt a winning hand and not knowing what to do with it ... I know I cannot find happiness within nor sense of self based on material success ... You can be great at something - whether you love it is another thing altogether ...

Yes, I have potential ... Whether I am wasting it is subject to opinion ... In my opinion I am ever learning and evolving in my search. I won't put my all into something that is to me meaningless no matter what the material outcome maybe ...

This could be a burden or a gift ...

So many shades of grey ...

Get Free

"I wanna get free and ride into the night"

I am so enraged I want to tear my hair out!!

If I had known what I do now when I was 12 I would have emancipated myself at 11.

I moved back here during my soul search so to afford said soul search (you'd be surprised how much they cost - no refunds or exchanges after purchase).

People think I'm harsh to my parents ... anyone would think it ... when you're on the outside looking in things may appear somewhat *different* than relative.

If a 20th of the attention I get from them now went into a fraction of my childhood then this blog wouldn't exist ...

pigs would fly ...

beer would gush from the taps ...

money would fall from the sky ...

the term would be *shell's front yard* Rock City ...

And:

We'd all just get along ...

Fark

"but don't look back in anger ... I hope it's not too late"

Fark ...

I have just been informed of an incident in Queensland that would have effected my workload 100 fold today ...

I have taken alot of leave ...

I was literally 3 minutes from arriving at work ... driving along Epping Road it hit me like a tonne of bricks ...

I didn't complete my drive to say the least ... I must say I feel bad ... it would've been hell in there today ...

Time

"is on my side ... yes it is"

Or so I thought ...

Yes, it's after 5am ... Alas, here I am sitting in front of the computer writing my blog ...

I can hear the daily grind ... it's imminence is leaking through my curtains ... the birds are singing it's anthem ... the cars are purring with enthusiasm ... the pipes in the building are vibrating in anticipation ...

Is this it? Is this life? Peak hour traffic ... taking your place ... falling into line ... soldiering on with your fellow ants ... Yes Sir, No Sir, 3 bags full Sir!

People say I'm a dreamer ... perhaps ... although no imagination is required when you find how easy it is to yearn for more ... because what we do and why we do it is nothing but monotonous torture ...

Yes, there are the lucky few that find something they love doing, and happen to be good at it ... If only ...

I hate being in the Matrix ... sure, ignorance is bliss ... but my ignorance subsided too many moons ago ... Reality's ugly head has always been thrust upon me ... and I can't help but think *what if this is it?* *what if there is no deeper meaning to existence* ?

If you've spent your whole life in blinkers then what lies beyond those blinkers has no relevance because your whole world, what you've known of it - and what you will most likely ever know of it, resides within those walls.

If you've spent your life seeing, hearing, feeling, losing, breaking ... there's no turning back from that. There's no putting on your blinkers and trotting off into the sunset.

I should be fast asleep ... Rejuvenating my mind and body so I can start my 12noon workday feeling good ...

My boss and I had another sit down today ... after being warned already for my persistent lateness I still managed to be late five times since ... I see this as an improvement ... 5 times in a month as opposed to 5 times a week - what a feat! But unfortunately that point of view is not reciprocated by Corporate Management ... thus leading me, inevitably, to an onset of insomnia ... Stress does not = a good night's sleep ...

I am not just late for work ... I am late to everything ... to the exclusive Vines gig that myself and a handful of others won tickets for ... for Elton John ... for weddings ... birthdays ... housewarmings ... Christmas lunch ... You name it, I attended late ... I have never made it to my own parties on time ... ever.

I really thought my efforts would be noticed - but it was my lack thereof that was questioned.

Boss asks me "If you owned a company would you prefer to keep in your staff the high performer who is tardy, or the average performer who was consistent with their punctuality" ... Answering quickly I picked the high performer ... This is in no way a comparison of skills (for fucks sake I help people who can't switch on their TVs) but if you think long and hard all the biggest talents have traits (some would prefer the use of the word *flaws*) that don't fall into the "right" way of doing things ... "What a wasted talent" ... "All that potential" ... if I had a dollar for each time someone has scoffed that at me i'd be fuckin' rich and wouldn't be working for the man!

Ah, the vicious cycle that is life ...

The wheel that keeps on turning ...

No wonder I keep on driving over nails, speeding towards speed humps, slowing over the tracks, running red lights and stopping on green ...

If the wheel doesn't stop turning every now and then, how would one even know they're alive?

LOST: Events of an evening ... Please Return If Found

"Got an illusion ... I wanted to say there's somethin' wrong here"

With a week as epic as the last the bar was set high for the follow up week ...

So in true trashbag style I managed to surpass last week so much so that recollection, to say the very least, is hazy ... that being said my accounts from that fateful evening are based mostly on heresay ...

This fateful night will be imminently titled *Tequila Sunrise*

Every story should start with a lead up to events ... here goes ...

July 9th ... The Fash are performing tonight - their last night of residency at the Annandale ... I am running late as I had to work ... the last 2 gigs they went on at 10.40pm so I had plenty of time ... although I double check *just in case* only to find out I had half an hour less than expected ...

megwanderer had arrived and I still wasn't dressed ... no time for a cab ... parking impossible ... megwanderer a *safe* driver ... DUI imminent ... I flew there so much so we had time to spare ... and prearrangement for someone to drive the car back (after persistent begging) ...

We arrive, with friends waiting inside and out ... we make it in time with the choice of ... cigarette ... beers ... meet and greets ... we go for option B grab some beers and work our way to *our spot* ... front right. Tonight is packed out.

The Fash come on at 10.15ish ... as usual they perform an unforgettably brilliant live show ... Justin & always a gentleman Rod make us feel welcome during their performance ... the forever welcoming Hobbzee rocks out on drums ... many thanks to Thom - who did what he does best ... it couldn't get any better :) ... Might I add *exotica* *force of habit* *down or down* blow me away!

After the show ... tipsy *check* ... we drink some more then go B/S ... we drink *Lovell's* ... we say hi ... the dynamic was a little different ...

Outside *the trio* are, drunkenly, deciding on our next destination ... an unmarked vehicle pulls up inviting us to Paradise City ... unsure of the sincerity of our invitation we decline and opt for maccas ... then *nice couple* get a phone call from said vehicle's passengers with another invitation ... we accept and jump in a cab; bubbling with anticipation & excitement as we near our destination, and honoured hosts ...

We arrive at Paradise City and see many familiar faces ... the vibe was awesome ...

Our host was very accommodating and shouted us tequila shots ... The term *keep 'em coming* would be apt to say the least ... as the tequila flowed from what seemed a never ending supply.

So from about my 3rd shot my night ends with a *fill in the blanks*

*This is now heresay of the events* I was toasted ... lying on the pool tables ... being extra *friendly* to our hosts, being *extra extra* friendly to my friend's lap ... last time I was seen was lying/passed out in the stairwell with someone equally as gone *end of heresay*

*Enter 'reality' stage left* ... I wake up uncomfortable, cold, naked, sore, and alone ... my surroundings being a trashed room ... Where the fuck am I? ... Eventually, after expressing pure disgust of the filth I was surrounded by, I realise i'm home ... My room is trashed ... My memories NIL ... I am bruised, battered, have a black eye, a roaring hangover, and had no cigarettes within reach ... I go to grab my mobile ... my bag is missing ... Shit, i'm fretting, i've lost everything!! ... I call John-Doe to tell him of my misfortune ... He tells me that Spectrum have called him, my bag was handed in with nothing missing "everything is there, her wallet, mobile and her *makeup bag*" ... Lucky is all I can say (knowing damn well I didn't take out any make-up) ... I call them and was told the same ... I start cleaning up ... the cupboard/bedhead is kicked over ... my jeans are torn by something that they were caught on - I have a wound to match ...

So this is my total recollection of my *big night out* ...

I message around to find out anything that would help me piece the mystery together ... this is everything:

Two thirds of the trio left at 2.30am
Jax last saw me on the stairwell when he left not long after them
I had no money to get home so that isn't clear
I had no keys - I was let in when it "was still dark"
I yelled in pain as i "smacked my head on the fucking cupboard when I went to lie down"
The crashing sound following this being my *giving the cupboard what it deserved* lol Who fights with a cupboard ... honestly ...

So the trip home, the torn jeans are still a mystery ... and will most likely remain that way.

I'm told it was a wicked night ... everyone had fun, including me ...

I'm told ... it was a *night to remember* :)

I'm only sleepin'

"I lift my head, I'm still yawnin' ... when I'm in the middle of a dream, I stay in bed ... float upstream"

It's 6.30 in the morning ... I should be asleep but my mind seems to disagree ... no surprise there.

I had such an amp'd week last week ... thus making it *slightly* difficult to get back to the "norm".

The Fash @ The Annandale ... The Vines @ The Forum ... My birthday party (yes, assume it was epic ... as *epic* it was) ...

I'm feeling each moment as my week at work draws to a close - this being Wednesday evening so I shouldn't complain ... Ha, Fuk Yeh!

Listening to Melodia (which, might I add, is fucking brilliant beyond brilliant) is probably not aiding my cause ... *Fuck this! I'm going to the Annandale!* lol

Which reminds me ... I recall a certain someone offering to replace my garb relative to said former venue ... which was unexpectedly lost ... (ok, ok, I know ... lost due to my lack of sobriety skills ... but hey, imperfections are characteristics untapped!!)