All Apologies

"What else should I be? All apologies ... What else should I say? Everyone is gay ... What else could I write? I don't have the right ... What else should I be? All apologies"

Pressure ...

It'll tighten until it nearly squeezes the life out of you ... And just when you think it'll suffocate you it eases considerably ... So much so that you've forgotten how tight that grip before you have time to prepare yourself for the next onslaught ...

How one handles pressure is dependant on the individual ... Not talking right or wrong, because each individual has their own idea on what's the best ailment for their situation ...

Me? When i'm under pressure I like to go solo ... Lock myself away ... Write ... Ponder ... Medicate if necessary (if symptoms persist repeat last 3 actions)...

Again, not coming from a 'right way' or 'wrong way' point of view (the reason I say this is because there are many ways to handle pressure; most of us using the tools we already have available and within reach)...

When you've been under excessive amounts of pressure throughout your life you generally won't uproot spontaneously, do a 180 degree turn, and adopt an unfamiliar method ...

Sure, my way of handling pressure may be seen as the 'wrong' way, but hey, it works for me ...

The only thing is I then end up worrying everyone else around me, and don't get a moment with my own thoughts, due to the knocks on the door, the messages, the phone calls ...

What a slap in the face on irony's behalf ...

I close off, allowing no one in, and in my view that's not just the best thing for me, but for them too ... Out of sight, out of mind ...

But the concern starts, my subconscious hears there worry, and 2nd again, I have to put my self on the back burner so I can put my full attention into ensuring everyone else is not worried about me / for me / effected by me ...

It seems a closed door, non-responsive, provokes knocking even louder ... Surely if no one answers you can assume there's *nobody home* ...

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't...

Welcome someone in to be witness to my distracted, bleak mood; company to my misery ... Or prevent further exposure by locking them out, and me in, so to work through it alone only to find out I have unintentionally been leading them down another dead end road leading to the same discontent...

I hear it now ... The music's full blast ... I've asked for time alone, my door is shut ... Yet I am being called out for trivial things ... To see if i'm ok? ... He know's i'm ok ... I've said repeatedly "Father, I just want to write and listen to music" ... But because he's unsettled that is not good enough for him ... If i've answered the 20 knocks prior with "I'm ok" odds would predict what the next answer would be ... Uh-huh - spot on ...

All Apologies ... But if it's good for me right now to handle it this way, then it should be good enough for him ...

And instead of me sitting here working through the pressure from situations that are still as relevant as ever ... Instead of detangling the knot of unresolved issues, I am wasting emotional energy resenting my Father for my having to ask numerous times for something so simple, time alone, and he continues to niggle at that ... Making this, in actual fact, a waste of a fucking hour (++), and the grip from the pressure tightens ... Rather than leaving this room relieved of pressure; my level of pressure will have increased knowing that if he'd just left me alone I wouldn't even be writing this ...

All apologies Dad, are you ok? You keep knocking at my door?

All apologies ... You rang 3 times?

All apologies ... I missed your texts.

All Apologies ... Next time i'll put on a fake smile, pretend everything's ok, because I wouldn't want to put anyone out ...

All Apologies ... You're worried about the car not being parked in the garage? Where is it parked?

All Apologies ... You're concerned that next week could be too late for the car to be registered?

All Apologies to myself for thinking that I might be able to vent my personal frustrations and work through this stress alone with my thoughts ...

All Apologies to myself in thinking that I could get some time alone ... I should've known better ...

All Apologies.

Is It Any Wonder?

"And now I look a fool for thinking you were on ... Is it any wonder I'm tired? ... Is it any wonder that I feel uptight? ... Is it any wonder I don't know what's right? ... Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand ... It's hard to know where I am"

I am so enraged with the speed in which people are so quick to judge and criticise when they really know nothing about the circumstance, situation, nor anything about the people involved within it ...

You'd think evolution would prove people are more 'tuned in' when meeting a new face ...

Unfortunately, the people who have an ingrained bitterness reflecting on their own lack of happiness and sense of self are quickest to judge those who seem happy themselves ...

These are the sort of characters that lend an open ear when witnessing stories about an unhappy marriage, a broken home, a loveless and laughless life ... As it is easier to assume pity on another than it is to about face and reflect on what's happening, or should I say lacking, in their own life ...

Then when faced with a tale of love, laughter, respect and loyalty? ... They deem this an impossibility and start to create vicious fantasies on what they think is the marred skeleton in the closet, as to them such happiness is inconceivable ...

If you are too far gone a cynic to believe in the possibility that "the happy couple" is not just a sarcastic terminology but an actual reality to some ...

Well, what can I say? ...

Stop dishing out your bitterness, pity and doubt ...

As the only one who is bitter and full of doubt is you ...

Your criticism is desperate, irrational and pathetic ...

Therefore; there is only one who should, and will, be pitied ...

You.


[Dedicated to Marie]

Fake Empire

"No thinking for a little while, let's not try to figure out everything it wants ... It’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky ... We’re half-awake in a fake empire"

If you have been given the opportunity of happiness the one thing that will surely make you refuse is a question of your own self-worth ...

Am I worthy of this happiness? ...

Some days it's no question at all ...

Other days the question will plague my mind ...

The days my feelings of being undeserved weigh down my thoughts, darken my day, making my own worst enemy I head down a path of self-destructive behaviour in an attempt to shake even just a fraction of the weight I bear heavy upon myself ...

Doubt ... It always works it way in ... And once that seed of unsurety has been planted it is difficult to ignore it's presence ...

Now here, again, it's with me ... Hovering over me like a cloud ... Cloudy ... Stormy ... Overcast ... Sun rays break through the clouds on occasion, but disappear when I accustom to their presence and warmth ...

Constantly I slip in and out of this coma of uncertainty ...

Security and assuredness impermanent ...

Wide awake ... Half awake ... Asleep ...

Who knows how each day will steer ...

Utterly unpredictable ...