The Way I Am

"I am whatever I say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am? ... All I can be is just me"

Who really knows you? ... How can you say you really know another?

You can be born and bred in a suburb being more familiar with it than some, but you still haven't gone down every street, lane or cul-de-sac ...

One of my workmate's, since my return from a break, had become fairly hostile towards me ... Being a passive aggressive she made her own assumptions, going to work everyday thinking there was an issue, when there was not ... At one point I approached her to see if she was ok, to learn a bit of her view, only to think we had reached an understanding about our misunderstanding ...

This passed, and most currently another week of stress at work had passed, leaving me emotionally drained and vacant ... After two days of defending myself against their accusations, their pointed finger directed at me, I crashed ... Functionality ebbed away, and I was somewhat catatonic from the aftermath, which took recovery time ...

In my workplace integrity is one of the values they regard with utmost importance ... My integrity was questioned at a recent formal warning for lateness ... My values were also questioned; including my lack of regard for the team and other team members etc.

On hearing this I started to bubble under the surface ... As I was receiving the 3rd degree for, according to them, not having these "values" feeling resurfaced, I had swept these feelings aside so as to not cause any further "upset" at work ... Knowing my workmate was more than guilty ... Like a sour grape, or poisonous flower ... Both differing alot from how they present themselves as opposed as to what they really are ...

The workmate, "sourpuss", stamps their feet to get their own way and always avoids confrontation by behaving in a passive aggressive manner ... some examples including the nuances towards their dislike in my social life (or perception of it), snide comments made quietly enough so to leave a person questioning whether it was said or not, addressing people in a condescending manner, making others feel small ... the list goes on ... Having my own burdens I became used to dealing with the sourpuss everyday, as had everyone else ... So began the ritual: walking on eggshells, no red flags, no flashing lights ...

One day a team meeting was held, myself being absent ... I learned that I had been brought up in this meeting ... This was discussed and put aside and work continued as normal, although I noticed one of my closer workmates, lfm, seemed bothered by something ... I was upset when I found out the issue was ignited by sourpuss' actions ... the barrage of slander against me from sourpuss in my absence was questioned by the noble lfm; only to then become the receiver of the "talking to" sourpuss was well known of, demeaning, belittling, conscending, downright fucking mean ... To behave like this towards me was one thing, but to bring someone else into the issue was completely unfair ... I'm angry and upset about the whole thing ... sourpuss is an awful person; now because of their issue with me sourpuss' issue has targeted lfm: an innocent party, completely undeserved ... The fact they're a genuinely kind person who is honourable, loyal and honest makes the urge to inflict pain even stronger ... I have avoided even attending work since but cannot avoid it any longer... Hoping my retaliation will happen in defence, not waged as an attack ...

To speak badly about me is low ... but to speak badly about someone I care about ...

Fuck walking on eggshells ...