Live Forever

"Maybe you're the same as me ... We see things they'll never see ... You and I are gonna live forever"

From the age of 13, all through my early teens, the rave scene was an important part of my life ... As lost as I was I found security, comfort, familiarity and enjoyment in the rave scene ... For my early teens it was the one enjoyable constant in my life ...

Last night I attended *Anthem 5 - doing it Free Love ’95 style* for the *early 90's warehouse children* ... It came about in facebook and I thought, why not take a step back in time ... Pensive on arrival, we were stamped, all my hesitations subsiding as soon as I opened the door ... The lasers, the bass, the atmosphere, the old school anthems, the people - It was like I did step back in time; my surroundings familiar and comforting like running into a cherished friend you haven't seen in a long time ... All too familiar the intoxicating feeling so fulfilling you look at the people around you, smiling at each other knowingly ... Of course with the sweet always comes the sour ...

Rebecca and I were best friends ... We were introduced to each other through friends, becoming really close when I was about 15, and remained inseparable until my 20s ... We were both broken, reckless, and self-destructive - we had an unspoken understanding of each other ... our recklessness and lack of self-regard contributing to our constant partying and excessive drug taking; never failing to push past our limits ... this was inevitably going to lead to our demise - we couldn't go on together like that forever ... regardless of whether we wanted to, or not, something had to give ... and it did ...

The dynamic changed ... Where we used to *come down* together as time went on she began isolating herself for long periods of time, her paranoia visibly was taking a hold of her, her behaviour becoming more and more erratic, her reasoning became irrational ... When you play a major part in each others lives you're in each others thoughts constantly ... Unfortunately, as her outlook became negative, so did her thoughts of me ...

I remember the last time I spoke to her ... I rang her after coming home to my Father being in panic stricken state of fear, sorrow and worry ... an after effect from a phone call ... the answering machine recording it all I listened on confused, hurt and angry ... her asking for me, me not being there to take her call, what she then, without reason, said to my Father about me ... I had never fought with her before ... My last words to her making clear to her I no longer wanted to speak to her ... The conviction must have been evident, I never heard from her again ...

I remember the last time I saw her ... Quite a few years later ... I was with Will driving to Warringah Mall ... she was in the passenger's seat of a commodore ute, she looked straight at me ... She was leaning out the window ... Exposing her left hand seemingly purposefully, an engagement ring reflecting the sunlight ...

I was at work when I found out ... Early 2007 ... Finding out about her last moments spent in a hotel room a week ago ... I had seen her 2 days prior, the same day her funeral was held ...

Last night on a few occasions smiling knowingly I'd look around expecting to see her face ...

A moment of enjoyment I was used to sharing with her ...

This morning I said my proper goodbye to Rebecca as the last song that played this morning played for us ...

Nothing is forever ...